Thursday, July 17, 2008

An Affair With a Woman Who Only Talks In Rolling Stones Song Titles

(On the phone)

Me: Hey Angie, how's it going?

Angie: Sad, Sad, Sad.

Me: Oh no, trouble with the husband again?

Angie: 19th Nervous Breakdown. Always Suffering.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you two are still married.

Angie: That's How Strong My Love Is.

Me: Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Angie: I Just Want To Make Love To You.

Me: Are you serious?

Angie: This Place is Empty.

Me: But doesn't your husband come home from work in a few hours?

Angie: It Won't Take Long. A Quick One While He's Away.

Me: Well, I guess if your husband isn't giving you the attention you deserve...

Angie: Everybody Needs Somebody to Love. Ain't Too Proud To Beg.

Me: Well, alright. What's your address again?

Angie: 2120 South Michigan Avenue.

Me: What's the best way to get there from my house?

Angie: Take the "A" Train.

Me: Got it. I'll see you in about half an hour.

Angie: I Am Waiting. Can't Be Seen.

Me: Alright, I'll be careful

(At the apartment)

Angie: Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Me: Haha, very funny. So...what are we gonna start with?

Angie: Champagne and Reefer.

Me: Sweet! Get it started!

Angie: Rip This Joint.

Me: Nice, that's some good stuff.

Angie: Don't Stop.

Me: Alright, I'll hit it again.

Angie: Flip the Switch.

Me: Alright, lights out.

Angie: On With the Show.

Me: Alright, let's do it.

Angie: Hold on to Your Hat.

Me: Ah, a wild one are you? I'll let you get on top.

Angie: Rock Me Baby, Down in the Hole. Suck on the Jugular.

Me: Whoa, that's kinky. Whatever gets you off...whoa, think I broke the skin there.

Angie: Let It Bleed.

Me: Man you are wild!

Angie: Oh Baby (We Got A Good Thing Goin')

Me: Yeah we do! Keep it up!

Angie: I've Been Loving You Too Long.

Me: Ok, I'll finish up.

Angie: Might as Well Get Juiced.

Me: Alright, if you want it.

Angie: Ain't That A Lot of Love.

Me: Yeeeeah it is.

Angie: It's All Over Now. Congratulations.

Me: Sorry about that.

(suddenly there is a knock on the door from her husband, Mick)

Mick: Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

Me: Oh shit! It's your husband! What should I do?

Angie: Think.

Me: I...I...

Angie: (to me) Out of Time. Get Up, Stand Up, You Gotta Move. Please Go Home.

Me: I can't now, your husband's at the door! Go answer it; I'll hide in the closet!

(Angie answers the door)

Angie: Oh No, Not You Again.

Mick: Who's Been Sleeping Here?

Angie: Angie

Mick: Lies.

(The closet door collapses and I fall onto the floor in front of them)

Me: Mick, I can explain!

Mick: Anyway You Look At It...

Me: I'm sorry, don't hurt Angie, I'll leave and never come back!

Angie: Let Me Go.

Mick: Had It With You. Tie You Up, Bitch. Back of My Hand. (he slaps her) Stop Breaking Down. No Use in Crying.

(A neighbor hears the commotion and walks in.)

Neighbor: What's going on here?

Angie: Now I've Got a Witness.

Mick: What a Shame.

Angie: Biggest Mistake. Mixed Emotions. Empty Heart. I Go Wild. How Can I Stop?

Mick: Pain in My Heart. One More Try? Sweethearts Together?

Angie: Honest I Do. I Wanna Hold You.

(Mick and Angie start making love on the spot.)

Tommy: This is fucked up! Get me outta here! (I run out.)

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