Increasing Parkour Popularity a Nightmare for BC Administration, Infirmary

An activity called “parkour” has enraptured a large portion of the Boston College student body in recent weeks, but its increasing popularity hasn’t been all fun and games for the administration at the school.

“I’ve seen some weird sport fads come and go in my years here, but none as strange or destructive as this parkour business” said William Leahy, president of Boston College. “These kids are knowingly hurting themselves and damaging Boston College property by practicing the sport. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?”

Parkour is actually not considered a sport because of its uncompetitive nature, but rather a physical discipline where participants run along a route containing various obstacles, and trying to negotiate these obstacles as efficiently as possible. The discipline is of French origin and is usually practiced in urban areas because of the high density of obstacles such as rails, benches, and buildings. “Parkour has really changed my life for the better,” said Brian Francese, a senior who began practicing parkour this year. “You get a few cuts, break a few limbs, and it’s a great way to stay in shape.”

The Boston College parkour group, named BCPK, was founded in 2008 by Greg and Matt Milano ’11, and now boasts over 150 regular members. They welcome members of all ranges of experience, including those with none at all, which has lead to some unfortunate incidents on campus this past week. Various benches on campus, fences in the area, and several students’ arms have all been snapped in half as a result of increased parkour activity, often because new members are practicing without proper training. The infirmary staff has been overwhelmed by the amount of parkour-related injuries (PRIs) they have had to deal with recently. A member of the infirmary staff had this to say: “We’ve had kids come in here with broken bones, missing teeth, severe scrapes, and they all say its from this thing called ‘parkour’. It’s great that kids are being active, but why this? We’d probably see less injuries if students just smoked pot by the reservoir, like they used to.”

Despite the injuries, many students are still hooked on parkour, and the group continues to recruit new members. As for the BC administration and infirmary staff, they hope that parkour will fade into obscurity once the risks of the activity are realized by students. “We at BC are just hoping that parkour is another passing fad here on campus,” said Leahy, scowling at a student wall jumping onto a ledge outside the O’Neill library. “But then again, it’s not as retarded as that quidditch match in the dust bowl.”

Seniors Positive They Never Looked as Young as Freshmen

Brian Francese with an incoming freshman at orientation

As a new class of incoming students begins their adjustment to life at BC and another begins their final chapter of their experience in college, one thing has quickly become apparent. In a recent poll taken of 500 seniors, 450 believe they never looked as young as the current class of preposterously childlike freshman class. “I mean come on, some of those kids look like they could still be in 8^th grade,” said Brian Francese, a senior living in the mods this year. “At first I thought BC started some genius recruiting program and was getting some child prodigies to attend classes here, but I’ve seen probably 100 kids that I could probably get lunch money from already.”

Brian, among other seniors, has already been facing various difficulties in interacting with the class of 2013. Brian volunteered to be an orientation leader this past summer and was shocked by his experience. “So I show up to where my group is supposed to meet, and I swear I thought I had found some children that had been abandoned by a disgruntled foster mother or something,” said Brian. “At first I thought they were trying to trick me into adopting them, but they looked a little too well-fed for orphans, so I soon discovered it was actually my orientation group.” Other seniors have said they have on occasion asked freshmen standing alone questions such as where their mommies are or if they got separated from their buddy on a field trip, leading to embarrassment for all parties involved.

Some experts believe that the seniors have simply been unaware of their own aging, accelerated by excessive drinking and smoking habits exhibited by an overwhelming majority of students. Most seniors polled admitted that they couldn’t remember much about the first couple months of freshman year, a testament to how much time has gone by since they entered college and how much abuse their bodies have endured in the past three years. However, most of the seniors still refuse to believe that they ever looked as young as the freshman class. “I swear that I haven’t looked as young as some of these freshmen since I was in grade school,” said Francese. “I look like I could be the father of some these kids.”

My Summer Morning Routine Hates Me

Alarm Clock: I'm a racing car, passing by, like Lady Godiva. I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping me. I'M BURNING THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH!

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don't give me that sh*t, college boy. You've been working for two months and you're still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won't find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil' bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?

Alarm Clock: 9,900 DEGREES, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM MR. FARENHEIT!

Me: OK, fine, I'm up, I'm up.

Pillow: Where do you think you're going?

Me: We go through this every morning, Pillow. I have to go to work every day.

Pillow: Well you better f*cking come back, because if you don't, I'm going to tell your ex-girlfriend that you talk to me about her when you're drunk.

Me: You better not pull any crap like you did the last 2 days. I'm getting in the shower.

Shower: So how's work going?

Me: It's fine, it's just...

Shower: It's just that you aren't doing any physical activity anymore. Look at how fat you're getting.

Me: Thanks. You know, I'm trying to hit the gym now and then, but it's hard when...

Shower: When the only exercise you've got since high school has been lifting food to your face. You know what, get out of here and don't come back until you lose a few pounds, OK tubby?

Cell Phone: BUZZZZ! REALLY LOUD VIBRATING! BUZZZ!

Pillow: I would answer your phone, your ex-girlfriend is probably a little creeped out about that message she got a couple minutes ago.

Me: What? What did you say to her you bastard?

Pillow: Why don't you get it straight from your horse's mouth?

Me: (Into phone) Hey, Claire, how's it...no, that wasn't what me, see what happened was...I know it's the third time this week, but it's seriously not me...no, I don't still have feelings for you, it really wasn't me...no, please don't call the cops...Claire?...Claire? (To pillow) You f*cking bastard, she's probably going to get a restraining order against me.

Alarm Clock: I thought you didn't have feelings for her anymore.

Me: I don't, but I mean...f*ck this; screw you guys, I'm going to work.

'95 Volvo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you doin' just tryin' to start me up all quick like. You gotta give me a little love first, get me in the mood.

Me: God damn it.

'95 Volvo: No wonder your girlfriend dumped you.

If Samuel L. Jackson Lines Followed the "Snakes on a Plane" Formula

"I have had it with these motherf*cking dinosaurs in this motherf*cking theme park!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking kids failing their motherf*cking classes!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking Sith Lords on this motherf*cking planet!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking bones in my motherf*cking body!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking "whats" in your motherf*cking answers!"

March Madness No Fun and Games for State Mental Institutions

Although “March Madness” is a fun and exciting time of year for college sports fans and gambling enthusiasts alike, it is the most dreaded time of year for the numerous mental institution employees in Massachusetts. “March is absolutely the worst time to work here,” said Maria Williams, who works at the Massachusetts Mental Health Center. “I have to deal with over 30 prank calls a day, and it is very difficult to remain civil with people who joke about something that is in fact very serious.” Williams said that the prank calls include people saying things like “I always go a little mad this time of year, can I check in for the month?”, “How busy do you guys usually get in March?”, and the inevitable “Yes hi, can I speak to a Cray Person, middle initial Z?”

The agony extends beyond the nuthouse for many of these employees, as friends and family ruthlessly make pun after pun on the word “mad”. “It’s the same s***, year after year,” lamented Williams, lighting a cigarette. “I don’t know how much more I can take.” Williams said that even her husband of 10 years, who knows she can’t stand this time of year, also cannot resist making jokes to her. “It’s just too much fun,” said a smirking Brian Williams, Maria’s husband. “Besides, she’s so cute when she’s mad.”

Williams and a few of her coworkers appealed to the NCAA to change “March Madness” to a different term to avoid their suffering, but their efforts were to no avail. Williams knew that she had only a small chance of succeeding in getting the NCAA to change the name, and upon realizing that the best alternative they could offer was the laughably inadequate “March Merriment”, she almost gave up hope entirely. “We had to try, we just had to try to end this,” said a melancholy Williams. “I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that my life is going to miserable one month out of the year.” I foolishly asked at the end of the interview whether Williams thought her suffering should be compensated with a bump to the next income bracket, at which point she lunged out of her chair and attempted to strangle the life out of me. I ended up OK though, and I hear Mrs. Williams is doing fine as a resident in the Massachusetts Mental Health Center.

AIG Donates $100,000 to UNICEF, Enrages Taxpayers

The announcement yesterday that AIG has donated $100,000 of government bailout money to UNICEF has infuriated taxpayers, who allege that the company is once again misusing the bailout funds given to them. Having flared the temper of the American public just days earlier by announcing that they would be paying $165 million in bonuses to company executives, AIG seems to have done even more damage to their reputation with this UNICEF announcement. I got a chance to catch up with John Paul Rubicon, a construction worker from New Jersey, who says that he is fed up with AIG’s abuse of taxpayer dollars. “I am tired of watching AIG just throw around my hard earned money to these selfish and useless purposes!” shrieked Rubicon. “Bonuses!? Children!? What’s next!? Bacon!?

AIG has become infamous for nearly collapsing last year, and is still operating only because of an unprecedented taxpayer bailout now totaling $170 billion. Although $100,000 seems like a small amount next to $170 billion, in these tough economic times the taxpayers want every dollar of that bailout money going towards one thing; stabilizing the shitstorm that is the U.S. financial market. “I don’t know what AIG was thinking giving 100 grand to UNICEF,” Rubicon noted. “I’ve had to take a second job just to keep my house, and AIG is giving my money to some kids I’m never gonna see, let alone employ!”

With the economy in its current state, it isn’t surprising that the public’s concern over possibly more important issues, such as the 158 million children aged 5-14 engaged in child labor, has dwindled. In a recent poll, just 9% of respondents said they were concerned about child labor and other worldwide atrocities, while a whopping 72% said “I don’t give a flying f***” regarding those issues. Shocking as those statistics might be, and even more alarming that the large majority actually used the terms “flying f***” in their response, they may just be signs of the times. “Listen, I know there’s a bunch of crap going on in the world, but right now we have to throw money at our own issues,” said Rubicon, in between bites of a bacon cheeseburger. “Just tell whoever this UNICEF guy is to talk to us in a few years.”

Brighton Residents Unite Against Off-Campus Noise

     With the arrival of Thursday evening, many Brighton residents prepare quietly for the inevitable onset of the now three to four day period of noise and gross overdrinking that takes place in their neighborhood. With a large portion of BC juniors living in houses off-campus, residents on streets such as South, Radnor, and Kirkwood are virtually guaranteed sleepless nights on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, as students stumble from house to house, presumably searching for new sources of alcohol and members of the opposite sex. "The problem is really getting out of hand," voiced Sally Thompson, who lives on Radnor Rd. between two houses occupied by eight junior boys each. "We complain to the school time and time again, but it seems like they aren't doing anything about the noise issue created by their off-campus students."

     Frustrated Brighton residents are now banding together and taking action against the rowdy off-campus students. A small group of neighbors, led by Thompson, formed B.L.A.N.D., the Brighton League of Angry Neighbor Deliberators. The group held its first meeting at Thompson's house last Wednesday evening to discuss how to tackle their frustrating but equally hilarious off-campus problems, which in some instances reportedly included mailbox defecating, which is a drunk sport that is evidently enjoying significant popularity growth. "We had 40 people from the neighborhood show up full of ideas, so it definitely was a successful night," said Thompson, regarding the meeting. "There were a few idea that went a bit too far, but based on some of the things these people have been subjected too, I think some radical revenge plans were expected."

     Some students have voiced their concerns over the new alliance, citing examples of how groups of angry adults have caused serious problems in the past, such as the infamous "Psychedelic Riot of '74", where Brighton residents physically attacked students they claim were taking psychedelic drugs and causing disturbances. The charges were dropped, mainly because students swore that it was grizzly bears, not neighbors, that caused their injuries. One of Thompson's neighbors, John Felsing, said he knew about the meeting, and could see the neighbors talking in the living room while it was in session. "I don't know exactly what they were talking about in there, but it wasn't good," said Felsing. "A lot of them were getting really worked up over their plans. At one point, when I could tell the discussion was getting heated, one of the men was describing his plan by slowly twisting a corkscrew into a tomato, and then screaming what I can only imagine to be sexually degrading comments at it. What exactly does B.L.A.N.D. plan to do?!

     There have not been too many details released on the group's plans, but Thompson assured us they would "be good...be very good," while rubbing her hands together in an uncomfortably calculating manner. The group plans to meet again soon, as their first discussion was broken up early because of a neighbor's noise complaint.

7 Homeless Signs That Might Persuade Me to Give a Dollar to The Person Holding It, Provided There Is A Unfavorable Timing On the Upcoming Stoplight

Appropriate Post-New Year Cards

There are some situations that arise on New Year's Eve that are difficult to address, but now you can handle these issues through the age old practice of mailing cards.

Cards are in sets of 2, showing front and inside: