Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Seniors Positive They Never Looked as Young as Freshmen

Brian Francese with an incoming freshman at orientation

As a new class of incoming students begins their adjustment to life at BC and another begins their final chapter of their experience in college, one thing has quickly become apparent. In a recent poll taken of 500 seniors, 450 believe they never looked as young as the current class of preposterously childlike freshman class. “I mean come on, some of those kids look like they could still be in 8th grade,” said Brian Francese, a senior living in the mods this year. “At first I thought BC started some genius recruiting program and was getting some child prodigies to attend classes here, but I’ve seen probably 100 kids that I could probably get lunch money from already.”

Brian, among other seniors, has already been facing various difficulties in interacting with the class of 2013. Brian volunteered to be an orientation leader this past summer and was shocked by his experience. “So I show up to where my group is supposed to meet, and I swear I thought I had found some children that had been abandoned by a disgruntled foster mother or something,” said Brian. “At first I thought they were trying to trick me into adopting them, but they looked a little too well-fed for orphans, so I soon discovered it was actually my orientation group.” Other seniors have said they have on occasion asked freshmen standing alone questions such as where their mommies are or if they got separated from their buddy on a field trip, leading to embarrassment for all parties involved.

Some experts believe that the seniors have simply been unaware of their own aging, accelerated by excessive drinking and smoking habits exhibited by an overwhelming majority of students. Most seniors polled admitted that they couldn’t remember much about the first couple months of freshman year, a testament to how much time has gone by since they entered college and how much abuse their bodies have endured in the past three years. However, most of the seniors still refuse to believe that they ever looked as young as the freshman class. “I swear that I haven’t looked as young as some of these freshmen since I was in grade school,” said Francese. “I look like I could be the father of some these kids.”

Friday, September 4, 2009

My Summer Morning Routine Hates Me

Alarm Clock: I'm a racing car, passing by, like Lady Godiva. I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping me. I'M BURNING THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH!

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don't give me that sh*t, college boy. You've been working for two months and you're still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won't find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil' bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?


Me: OK, fine, I'm up, I'm up.

Pillow: Where do you think you're going?

Me: We go through this every morning, Pillow. I have to go to work every day.

Pillow: Well you better f*cking come back, because if you don't, I'm going to tell your ex-girlfriend that you talk to me about her when you're drunk.

Me: You better not pull any crap like you did the last 2 days. I'm getting in the shower.

Shower: So how's work going?

Me: It's fine, it's just...

Shower: It's just that you aren't doing any physical activity anymore. Look at how fat you're getting.

Me: Thanks. You know, I'm trying to hit the gym now and then, but it's hard when...

Shower: When the only exercise you've got since high school has been lifting food to your face. You know what, get out of here and don't come back until you lose a few pounds, OK tubby?


Pillow: I would answer your phone, your ex-girlfriend is probably a little creeped out about that message she got a couple minutes ago.

Me: What? What did you say to her you bastard?

Pillow: Why don't you get it straight from your horse's mouth?

Me: (Into phone) Hey, Claire, how's it...no, that wasn't what me, see what happened was...I know it's the third time this week, but it's seriously not me...no, I don't still have feelings for you, it really wasn't me...no, please don't call the cops...Claire?...Claire? (To pillow) You f*cking bastard, she's probably going to get a restraining order against me.

Alarm Clock: I thought you didn't have feelings for her anymore.

Me: I don't, but I mean...f*ck this; screw you guys, I'm going to work.

'95 Volvo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you doin' just tryin' to start me up all quick like. You gotta give me a little love first, get me in the mood.

Me: God damn it.

'95 Volvo: No wonder your girlfriend dumped you.