Sunday, February 10, 2008

Writers’ Strike Claims Lives of 21 BC Students, Hospitalizes 57 More

Continuing to ruthlessly deprive the television audience of many of their favorite shows, the writer’s strike has taken an especially hard toll on colleges, since they are hotbeds for boredom and addiction. Last week, 21 more BC students succumbed to the affliction scientifically named “penuriae scriptores” but become known among college students as “Writerstrikitis”. The lack of new episodes causes psychological and physical problems in avid television watchers, and in more and more cases, is fatal. Symptoms include nervous twitching, night terrors, fever, and diarrhea. The disease is not contagious, but since so many students at Boston College have favorite shows on the major television networks, almost everyone is susceptible to the deadly virus.

“When the writers first went on strike, I thought it would be over in a couple weeks and I could go back to watching Two and a Half Men like I always did. But as a week turned into 4, 5, and 6 weeks, well, my body just couldn’t handle the stress”, said a slightly feverish Caitlin Dalton from her hospital bed. Caitlin’s roommates detected her case of Writerstrikitis early, so they were able to get her essential care in the first stages of the disease, ensuring a full recovery. Some, however, weren’t so lucky. Phil Jones contracted a case of Writerstrikitis soon after the strike started, and it went undetected by his roommates and friends for over a month. He now sits in a hospital bed all day, rocking back and forth and chanting, “Dwight Schrute, Dwight Schrute” over and over again. “The boy is practically braindead,” his nurse said to me earlier in the day. “Nothing short of a miracle could save him now”.

Treatment for Writerstrikitis consists of a two episode dose of the patient’s favorite network show from DVD three times per day, but these reruns can only provide limited help. “Some of our patients are so disoriented that they think the episodes they see on DVDs are new ones and the writers have stopped striking, but once they find themselves quoting several lines from the episodes, they discover the truth and their condition worsens,” said Nurse Johnson, a medical professional over at St. Elizabeth’s. “I just hope the writers take these kids in consideration when they complain over going uncompensated for a few internet shows.”

Boston College officials have put out pamphlets about Writerstrikitis around campus, and recommend that everyone that could possibly be affected gets tested. They have always advocated safe television watching, but say that those who abused their privileges should not be embarrassed or ashamed to go see a doctor. “Everyone should watch themselves, friends, and roommates for signs and symptoms of the disease to make sure we catch cases while they are still treatable,” said Johnson. “These are good kids, but one mistake can mean months of suffering for them.”