Monday, July 28, 2008

The First Annual American Beer Conference

Budweiser: Alright, it seems that most of us are here, so lets get started. I'm glad all of you could make it out tonight to this American Beer Conference, and I think that by sharing ideas and strategies with each other can benefit all of our respective businesses. Our first order of business is to discuss sales patterns and demographic trends within...

Icehouse: (bursts through the door and interrupts, clearly drunk) Heeeeeeey bitches! What's goin' on?

Budweiser: Icehouse, please just sit down, I wish you would try harder to be on time to these kinds of things.

Icehouse: What are you talkin' about, Bud man? I was right on time for your barbeque last week!

Keystone Light: Budweiser! You had a barbeque last week and didn't invite me?

Miller Lite: That's because nobody likes you, Keystone.

MGD: Lite! I let you tag along to this thing, so you better mind your manners!

Miller Lite: Sorry, dad.

Keystone Light: Oh look, Lite is sucking up to his dad again, what a surprise!

Miller Lite: Shut your mouth, rat piss!

Keystone Light: I think someone's a little upset that they will never be as full-bodied or tasteful as their father!

Miller Lite: At least my father's still around!

Budweiser: GENTLEMEN! Please, stop fighting. We are all here to work together, not argue amongst ourselves. Now onto the...what's that noise?

MGD: I don't know, but brrrrrrr, it just got really cold in here.

(The sound of a train whistle gets louder and louder. Suddenly the Coors Silver Bullet train blasts through the wall of the convention center and Coors hops off.)

Coors: Howdy! How y'all doin' tonight?

Budweiser: COORS! For the last time, you cannot ride that train to the exact spot you want to go all the time! The train station is only 3 blocks away for God's sake!

Coors: Sorry about that Bud, I sensed that some people in here were hot and parched, so I thought it'd be best to ride the bullet on through.

Budweiser: Well if we were outdoors it'd be one thing, but we are renting space from a hotel, and I'm going to be responsible for what looks to be a couple thousand dollars worth of damages!

Icehouse: (under his breath) I'm sure that'll really hurt, Mr. 16 billion dollars in sales.
Coors: That's my bad Bud; I'll help you out with those expenses.

Keystone Light: Ha! What are you gonna do, rent out the spare bedroom in your trailer?
Coors: Oh for cryin' out loud, who invited Keystone?

Miller Lite: I bet he was browsing events on Facebook and invited himself!

Keystone Light: Shut your tab, Lite! Hey Coors, why don't you go watch some NASCAR, white trash!

Budweiser: God you're an asshole Keystone.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Things That Would Have Terrible Opposites

I was painfully sipping a "Milwaukee's Best" one night when I thought, "If this is Milwaukee's Best, what would "Milwaukee's Worst" be like?" As the normal thought process of a drinking night resumed, I found that many of the things I thought of during the course of the night would have awful opposites. Here are the ones I remember:

Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.

Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.

Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.

Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.

Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"


The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If ER Was a Sitcom

Since the popular television series "ER" is going into its 15th season, odds are the writers are running out of dramatic material to put on the show. To keep the audience interested for one more season, they may need to change their routine and give the drama a comedic twist.

(Three doctors and a nurse wheel in a patient and put him on the operating table.)

Nurse Samantha Taggart: Doctor, we need to act fast! The patient is Timothy Benson, and he apparently was shot in the head with a nailgun by a construction worker, who claims Benson was trying to attack him with a shovel while naked on several occasions. The thing is, he survived, but the nail is still in his head!

Dr. Tony Gates: Sounds like he may have a few screws loose in there as well! (laughtrack)

Dr. Abby Lockhart: (looking at a monitor) It appears the nail pierced the right hemisphere of his brain and entered the brain stem. The patient has lost all motor function in the left side of his body.

Dr. Archie Morris: That's odd, he doesn't look all right to me! (laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Timothy Benson: Where am I? What's going on?

Taggart: This is incredible! Dr. Gates, the patient is conscious!

Gates: Young man, you are in a hospital. It looks like we are going to have to perform a partial brain transplant if you are to live. Based on the report, though, we may want to just replace the whole thing! (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't want to live! Just let me die!

Morris: We cannot do that, we have a duty to preserve human life, no matter how much the world would be better off without you. (laughtrack) Nurse, prepare the transplant and the blood transfusion.

Taggart: What's his blood type?

Morris: (nudging Gates in the side) Something tells me it's B-negative! (laughtrack)Taggart: Transfusion ready! Abby, apply the anesthetic!

Lockhart: Alright Timothy, just breathe in, pretend you are huffing some of that stuff you did earlier. (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't wan...I don't...I...

Gates: Jeez, he put up less of a fight against being knocked out than my ex-wife! (The cast shares a laugh, also laughtrack.)

Taggart: Doctor, everything is prepared for the surgery. Make the incision when you are ready, but remember, it must be very precise.

Morris: Ah, I've done this procedure a million times; I guess you could call it a no-brainer! (laughtrack)

Lockhart: The transplant is ready, Dr. Gates.

Gates: Alright everyone, stand back. (He successfully performs the surgery.)

Taggart: Excellent work Dr. Gates! I wish I had a pair of fingers like that around the house! (Camera zooms in on her looking at a picture of her husband on the desk and sighing. Laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Benson: Wow, I feel great! I guess I could give life another go!

Gates: That's the right attitude. Looks like we really...changed your mind! (laughtrack)

Benson: (looking at the camera and shrugging) I guess laughter really is the best medicine!(The camera fades out as the cast has a good laugh.)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Honest Weekend Fast Food Advertisements

If fast food chains advertised honestly on weekend nights at colleges, this is what the commercials would sound like:

Do you have no respect at all for your body? Tired of paying a dollar for some worthless double cheeseburger? I bet you're thinking Arby's! Since our meat arrives at out restaurants in gelatinous form, we can assure you that the time you wait for your meal is a carefully designed hardening process that is similar to the cooking of a fresh roast beef sandwich! Do we normally tell you this information? No! But we figure that if you are even considering going to Arby's in the first place, you won't give a shit about how our sandwiches are made, at least until tomorrow morning in the bathroom!

Drunk? Don't know where the fuck you are? Well, we know there's one symbol you can recognize even in your current state; that's right, the Golden Arches! If you are looking to fill your beer-stretched stomach after a night of shameless drinking, McDonalds is the restaurant for you! We put so little thought or effort into the production or preparation of our product, but you won't even notice because you are so fucked out of your mind! In addition, we will be giving out free rides on our prestigious Ronald McDonald statue, who comes to life on Saturdays, and we encourage all customers to partake!

Drunk? No McDonalds in sight? Get the fuck over to Burger King! The King will deliver any food you desire, and maybe a little something extra ;).God those bastards at McDonalds are real pricks, aren't they? Trying to run the little guy out of business! I'll tell you what; let's just take down the man, you know? McDonalds is just so corporate, they're just using the people, man. Don't support the fat cats of this nation, bro, go to Burger King. Oh, and Chicken Nuggets don't have fuckin' shit on our Chicken Tenders! Ronald McDonald likes touching children!

Don't have any plans between 9:00 A.M and 3:00 P.M tomorrow? Why don't you stop on in and have a few slyders? Our buns and burgers are softer and more manageable than any other fast food chain, that is, in terms of eating them! But I'll tell you, you better have an open schedule in the morning and afternoon tomorrow, because our burgers are going to come out as fast as they went in! We just try to get you on your way here at White Castle, and if that means pumping the burgers full of laxatives so you can clear your barrel in one shot, so be it. Just make sure you have the safety on overnight!

Curious about why your dog gets so excited over every meal? Why don't you come on in to Taco Bell? We can show you why eating low grade meat can be so exciting, time after time! We've paid homeless Hispanics for years to come up with new taco ideas, but don't fret; Taco Bell has retained the same standard that got several restaurants shut down in the 90s in restaurants nationwide! But who the fuck cares? Chalupas! Chalupas!

Hey, couldn't find a party tonight? That's alright, pussy, we can give you something that will keep you completely healthy, since you have no friends and all! Why don't you join Jared and have no life for 10 years and try to slim down so you have some attempt at finding a wife! But you will have to have a sandwich with no toppings or sauces for it to be healthy! We actually have a bin around back with day old bread, so why don't you just scrounge through that, fatty! You can even pretend those leftover twelve inch loaves are your friends, loser!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Things That Are Better Than Jesus

While Jesus was and is still well known for his time on Earth 2,000 years ago, in a modern context there are many items that accomplish the same things he did, and then some. For example:


The Lord is probably best known for "dying and rising from the dead". However, in my experience, my cell phone has died at least 10 times, and each time it has come back to life without any problem. Oh, and it can make calls too, which Jesus could not do.


Curious about the meaning of life? Well you don't have to try to understand a bunch of confusing parables anymore from a guy that lived 2000 years ago. Typing "the meaning of life" into Google gives you over 23 million hits, laying out the meaning of life plain and simple.


Walking on water? Pssshhh! How about gliding on water at over 60 miles an hour? Eat wake, Jesus


Can Jesus create a rock so big that even he cannot lift it? I don't know, but I know he can't make one Mariusz Pudzianowski can't lift. That guy could bench 5 stacked Hebrews at the same time if he wanted to, and Jesus got beat up by a few Romans. Who would you rather have on your side in a street fight?


Sure, Jesus provided a few thousand fish for some people in the countryside, but McDonalds sells millions of Filet O' Fishes around the world every day. They are much tastier than raw fish, too.


When Peter cut off that one guy's ear, Jesus did a pretty good job of patching it up. But plastic surgeons won't stop there; how about fixing that hook nose those Romans often had, or doing something about those rolls on that midsection? Well, the fine people at Chicago Plastic Surgery would have taken care of that right away in a painless outpatient procedure. Oh, no, we understand Jesus. You were busy. You were always busy.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

An Affair With a Woman Who Only Talks In Rolling Stones Song Titles

(On the phone)

Me: Hey Angie, how's it going?

Angie: Sad, Sad, Sad.

Me: Oh no, trouble with the husband again?

Angie: 19th Nervous Breakdown. Always Suffering.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you two are still married.

Angie: That's How Strong My Love Is.

Me: Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Angie: I Just Want To Make Love To You.

Me: Are you serious?

Angie: This Place is Empty.

Me: But doesn't your husband come home from work in a few hours?

Angie: It Won't Take Long. A Quick One While He's Away.

Me: Well, I guess if your husband isn't giving you the attention you deserve...

Angie: Everybody Needs Somebody to Love. Ain't Too Proud To Beg.

Me: Well, alright. What's your address again?

Angie: 2120 South Michigan Avenue.

Me: What's the best way to get there from my house?

Angie: Take the "A" Train.

Me: Got it. I'll see you in about half an hour.

Angie: I Am Waiting. Can't Be Seen.

Me: Alright, I'll be careful

(At the apartment)

Angie: Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Me: Haha, very funny. So...what are we gonna start with?

Angie: Champagne and Reefer.

Me: Sweet! Get it started!

Angie: Rip This Joint.

Me: Nice, that's some good stuff.

Angie: Don't Stop.

Me: Alright, I'll hit it again.

Angie: Flip the Switch.

Me: Alright, lights out.

Angie: On With the Show.

Me: Alright, let's do it.

Angie: Hold on to Your Hat.

Me: Ah, a wild one are you? I'll let you get on top.

Angie: Rock Me Baby, Down in the Hole. Suck on the Jugular.

Me: Whoa, that's kinky. Whatever gets you off...whoa, think I broke the skin there.

Angie: Let It Bleed.

Me: Man you are wild!

Angie: Oh Baby (We Got A Good Thing Goin')

Me: Yeah we do! Keep it up!

Angie: I've Been Loving You Too Long.

Me: Ok, I'll finish up.

Angie: Might as Well Get Juiced.

Me: Alright, if you want it.

Angie: Ain't That A Lot of Love.

Me: Yeeeeah it is.

Angie: It's All Over Now. Congratulations.

Me: Sorry about that.

(suddenly there is a knock on the door from her husband, Mick)

Mick: Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

Me: Oh shit! It's your husband! What should I do?

Angie: Think.

Me: I...I...

Angie: (to me) Out of Time. Get Up, Stand Up, You Gotta Move. Please Go Home.

Me: I can't now, your husband's at the door! Go answer it; I'll hide in the closet!

(Angie answers the door)

Angie: Oh No, Not You Again.

Mick: Who's Been Sleeping Here?

Angie: Angie

Mick: Lies.

(The closet door collapses and I fall onto the floor in front of them)

Me: Mick, I can explain!

Mick: Anyway You Look At It...

Me: I'm sorry, don't hurt Angie, I'll leave and never come back!

Angie: Let Me Go.

Mick: Had It With You. Tie You Up, Bitch. Back of My Hand. (he slaps her) Stop Breaking Down. No Use in Crying.

(A neighbor hears the commotion and walks in.)

Neighbor: What's going on here?

Angie: Now I've Got a Witness.

Mick: What a Shame.

Angie: Biggest Mistake. Mixed Emotions. Empty Heart. I Go Wild. How Can I Stop?

Mick: Pain in My Heart. One More Try? Sweethearts Together?

Angie: Honest I Do. I Wanna Hold You.

(Mick and Angie start making love on the spot.)

Tommy: This is fucked up! Get me outta here! (I run out.)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Less Common Baseball Sex Terms

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Foul Ball: This has the simple meaning of being shut down, but in a nice way. You try to put the ball in the field of play to get on any base, but you a turned away and must try again on a different pitch.

Ace: This is a girl that rarely lets any guys get on base. Only if a guy is a really good hitter will he have any chance of getting anywhere with this girl.

Bases Loaded: This is just a full out orgy. You have a guy on first base, second base, and third base all at the same time, all within the same area. If you reach base, you know at least one of them is going to reach home plate.

Strikeout Looking: This term means the girl has given the guy a clear sign she wants him on one of the bases, but he just lets it go by and the opportunity is lost.

Stealing Home: Rape.