Things That Are Better Than Jesus

While Jesus was and is still well known for his time on Earth 2,000 years ago, in a modern context there are many items that accomplish the same things he did, and then some. For example:

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The Lord is probably best known for "dying and rising from the dead". However, in my experience, my cell phone has died at least 10 times, and each time it has come back to life without any problem. Oh, and it can make calls too, which Jesus could not do.

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Curious about the meaning of life? Well you don't have to try to understand a bunch of confusing parables anymore from a guy that lived 2000 years ago. Typing "the meaning of life" into Google gives you over 23 million hits, laying out the meaning of life plain and simple.

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Walking on water? Pssshhh! How about gliding on water at over 60 miles an hour? Eat wake, Jesus

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Can Jesus create a rock so big that even he cannot lift it? I don't know, but I know he can't make one Mariusz Pudzianowski can't lift. That guy could bench 5 stacked Hebrews at the same time if he wanted to, and Jesus got beat up by a few Romans. Who would you rather have on your side in a street fight?

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Sure, Jesus provided a few thousand fish for some people in the countryside, but McDonalds sells millions of Filet O' Fishes around the world every day. They are much tastier than raw fish, too.

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When Peter cut off that one guy's ear, Jesus did a pretty good job of patching it up. But plastic surgeons won't stop there; how about fixing that hook nose those Romans often had, or doing something about those rolls on that midsection? Well, the fine people at Chicago Plastic Surgery would have taken care of that right away in a painless outpatient procedure. Oh, no, we understand Jesus. You were busy. You were always busy.