Sunday, July 27, 2008

Things That Would Have Terrible Opposites

I was painfully sipping a "Milwaukee's Best" one night when I thought, "If this is Milwaukee's Best, what would "Milwaukee's Worst" be like?" As the normal thought process of a drinking night resumed, I found that many of the things I thought of during the course of the night would have awful opposites. Here are the ones I remember:

Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.

Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.

Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.

Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.

Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"


The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter

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