If fast food chains advertised honestly on weekend nights at colleges, this is what the commercials would sound like:
Do you have no respect at all for your body? Tired of paying a dollar for some worthless double cheeseburger? I bet you're thinking Arby's! Since our meat arrives at out restaurants in gelatinous form, we can assure you that the time you wait for your meal is a carefully designed hardening process that is similar to the cooking of a fresh roast beef sandwich! Do we normally tell you this information? No! But we figure that if you are even considering going to Arby's in the first place, you won't give a shit about how our sandwiches are made, at least until tomorrow morning in the bathroom!
Drunk? Don't know where the fuck you are? Well, we know there's one symbol you can recognize even in your current state; that's right, the Golden Arches! If you are looking to fill your beer-stretched stomach after a night of shameless drinking, McDonalds is the restaurant for you! We put so little thought or effort into the production or preparation of our product, but you won't even notice because you are so fucked out of your mind! In addition, we will be giving out free rides on our prestigious Ronald McDonald statue, who comes to life on Saturdays, and we encourage all customers to partake!
Drunk? No McDonalds in sight? Get the fuck over to Burger King! The King will deliver any food you desire, and maybe a little something extra ;).God those bastards at McDonalds are real pricks, aren't they? Trying to run the little guy out of business! I'll tell you what; let's just take down the man, you know? McDonalds is just so corporate, they're just using the people, man. Don't support the fat cats of this nation, bro, go to Burger King. Oh, and Chicken Nuggets don't have fuckin' shit on our Chicken Tenders! Ronald McDonald likes touching children!
Don't have any plans between 9:00 A.M and 3:00 P.M tomorrow? Why don't you stop on in and have a few slyders? Our buns and burgers are softer and more manageable than any other fast food chain, that is, in terms of eating them! But I'll tell you, you better have an open schedule in the morning and afternoon tomorrow, because our burgers are going to come out as fast as they went in! We just try to get you on your way here at White Castle, and if that means pumping the burgers full of laxatives so you can clear your barrel in one shot, so be it. Just make sure you have the safety on overnight!
Curious about why your dog gets so excited over every meal? Why don't you come on in to Taco Bell? We can show you why eating low grade meat can be so exciting, time after time! We've paid homeless Hispanics for years to come up with new taco ideas, but don't fret; Taco Bell has retained the same standard that got several restaurants shut down in the 90s in restaurants nationwide! But who the fuck cares? Chalupas! Chalupas!
Hey, couldn't find a party tonight? That's alright, pussy, we can give you something that will keep you completely healthy, since you have no friends and all! Why don't you join Jared and have no life for 10 years and try to slim down so you have some attempt at finding a wife! But you will have to have a sandwich with no toppings or sauces for it to be healthy! We actually have a bin around back with day old bread, so why don't you just scrounge through that, fatty! You can even pretend those leftover twelve inch loaves are your friends, loser!