Saturday, December 27, 2008

Three Alternative Time Wasters for Christmas Break

I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.


(Note: All are tried and true.)

Start a political argument with the relative that holds the strongest beliefs: Every family has that one uncle/aunt that is absolutely entrenched in his/her beliefs, and argues blindly for his/her points without even considering opposing arguments. This is the relative that will change you from being bored into fearing for your life, which is a good way to pass the time. Start out with a small little poke to get them started and then just build their anger from there. Say for example Uncle Randy is in town from Detroit. Just make a little comment such as "it's a shame the government decided to bailout those doomed U.S. automakers" and watch the fun begin. Uncle Randy will then launch into a tirade about how the automakers are a pillar of the economy and their collapse could launch us into a second Great Depression, and you get hours of entertainment from telling someone exactly what they don't want to hear.

Learn how to moonwalk: Ever since I saw the "How to Moonwalk" video on CollegeHumor, I was convinced that someone even as uncoordinated and terrible at dancing as me could learn how to moonwalk. After 5 minutes of what can only be described as abject failure, I decided to put moonwalking in the long-term to-do file. Well, I was looking through that file a few days ago and decided to give it another try, and what do you know I learned how to moonwalk flawlessly with just a few hours of practice. It will now serve as an invaluable tool for me to use at unexpected on-the-spot dancing situations that arise at various parties, weddings, and certain liberal funerals. It also provided the added benefit of giving me the opportunity to plan how to break into my old high school's prom to show it off, taking up a couple more of the long Christmas Break hours. Long story short, learn how to moonwalk.

Count the Christmas ornaments: When no one is around, count the number of Christmas ornaments on the Christmas tree. When people gather in the room on Christmas and finish up opening presents, suggest a game where people get to guess how many ornaments are on the Christmas tree, offering some sort of incentive or prize for the winner, such as each of the kids puts in some candy and the winner gets to take it all. When you win, your prize will obviously be contested, but tell your younger cousins that you have magical counting powers and can count anything in 5 seconds. You should count other obvious things in the room that they might quiz you on beforehand, and thus when they challenge you, you can amaze them and also justify your claim to the prize.

Monday, November 17, 2008

If Ryanair's Safety Cards Had Captions

In case you aren't familiar with Ryanair, they are the world's cheapest airline, and flying on a cramped, non-reclining seat as I did this morning will make you realize why. They cut costs in every aspect of their business, including their safety "cards" (which are actually just printed on the seat back in front of you), which look like they could have been drawn by a mentally challenged kindergartner. Bored while waiting for my flight to take off, I thought of captions that could accompany the ridiculous safety card drawings.

Note: Quality is terrible but it was the best I could find, and this article may be more appropriate for the European crowd (, but its the best I've got.

Emergency Oxygen:
1. Become hypnotized by the swinging oxygen mask. 2. Catch it as it launches towards you. 3. Once you have secured it properly, turn it around so that the mask is on the back of your head.

Life Vests:
1. Push the falling ceiling tile back into place, and a life vest will fall out. 2. Open the life vest packaging with a boomerang-like hand motion. 3. Spin around in a circle as you put on your life jacket. 4. Buckle your life vest, keeping your eyes down on your own work. 5. Either pull down on the red tab... 6. Or sing into the built-in microphone to keep morale high.

Emergency Landing:
In the event of an emergency landing: 1. Leave behind your teeth, glasses, shoes, earrings, and women. 2. Annoy the person in front of you by shaking their seat. 3. Do vertical sit-ups. 4. If clouds begin to engulf the plane, crawl on your hands and knees to the nearest exit, with all 125 other passengers, in a herd-like group.

Exit A: Doors
1. Turn the crank counterclockwise. 2. A white piece of the floor will fly at you. Make sure you dodge it, then continue to turn the crank. 3. Perform the Charleston as you go down the slide, and then run away. (Proper Charleston technique demonstrated in top right inset.)

Exit B: Overwings
1. If you can telepathically communicate with the fire, you cannot leave. 2. Have a black man pull down the red bar located below the exit sign. 3. Another white piece will fly at you. Duck as indicated by the red arrow. 4. Push the door open. 5. Have adult white males exit the sinking/burning plane first.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Guide To Whether Or Not You Should Go To Class

It's Friday morning at 8:45, and you have to make a game-time decision whether or not to roll out of bed and lurch into your 9:00am class or stay in the warmth of your bed for a few more hours. Luckily, you now have this handy guide to help you decide if the benefits of going to class outweigh the costs. Simply add up the points attributed and find your answer!

Section 1: You have a test/quiz in class today and:

a) You have studied for it: 17 points
b) You glanced over the material briefly: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on bullshitting hat*: 11 points
d) Oh wait! That test is next week! Yes!: -2 points

Section 2: You have a paper due and:

a) You spent a lot of time on it and got it done: 17 points
b) If you get up now, you can finish it up and be just a little late for class: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on excuse-generating sweater*: 11 points
d) Meh, I'll do it tonight, the late penalty is only half of a letter grade: -2 points

Section 3: The professor takes attendance that counts for part of your grade and:

a) You have never skipped this class before: -2 points
b) You have skipped class once or twice: 3 points
c) You have skipped class 3 or more times: 5 points
d) The professor does not take attendance: -4 points

Section 4: The temperature in your room:

a) Could comfortably harbor a polar bear: -6 points
b) Is definitely less than 65 degrees, but not too cold: -2 points
c) Doesn't seem terrible: 4 points
d) Reminds you of the joy of living with a heater, you lucky bastard: 6 points

Section 5: There is a girl in your bed that you just met last night that you vaguely remember fooling around with, and:

a) She is a 4 or below: 5 points
b) She is a 5 or above: 2 points
c) You were hammered last night, and your judgement cannot be trusted: 2 points onto a) or b)
d) There is no one but you in your bed: -3 points

Section 6: You are feeling:

a) At least somewhat rested: 5 points
b) Tired/hungover: -3 points
c) Really f***ing tired/ hung over: -5 points
d) Still drunk and/or unsure where you are: -7 points

Section 7: In this class you:

a) Take notes that you will need later on: 6 points
b) Drift in and out of class, switching back and forth between taking notes and doodling: 4 points
c) Usually fall asleep for the majority of class: -4 points
d) ...What class do I have on Thursday again?: -6 points

Got your score? Use this chart to determine your course of action:

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Seven Stages of Halloween

To prepare for Halloween this year, I decided to put together a rough guide of how people's Halloweens are spent at different times in their lives:

Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13

The most innocent of the Halloween stages, the Trick or Treating stage is an opportunity to dress up like your favorite power ranger, animal, or scary character for a whole day, then come home to a family pumpkin carving festival. After that, kids in the Trick or Treating stage spend the night walking around the neighborhood getting candy from the neighbors. It is a simple is a better time.

Stage 2: Treating: Ages 14-15

Around age 14, the concept of dressing up becomes uncool for a few years, but the desire for candy remains high, launching most kids into a quasi trick or treating mode that I refer to simply as Treating. Walking around in a group wearing hoodies and carrying old pillowcases, children in the Treating stage lurch around the neighborhood, looking for houses foolish and lazy enough to leave a bowl full of candy outside. They quickly herd up the steps of these houses and plunder the entire bowl, dividing the spoils among their pillowcases. They then scurry back into the darkness like frightened rats, laughing at their trivial conquest.

Stage 3: Egging: Ages 16-17

With a lust for destruction developing within most teenagers in this stage, they turn to the age-old practice of egging various buildings in the area on Halloween night. Wandering the neighborhood, the Eggers launch the protein-rich ovals of doom at the windows of mean teachers, kids they hate, and others who have wronged them in their pasts. Some flocks of Eggers add the element of toilet paper into the mix, turning trees outside the victims' homes into ghastly displays of irreverence and teenage rebellion. Eggers may even hit a bowl on the way home for old time's sake, and might steal some candy as well.

Stage 4: Costume Parties: Ages 18-25

At last, dressing up in costumes becomes fun again! And just in time for the Costume Parties stage, an eight year stretch of glory, alcohol, and fun. The parties are packed, lively, and provide the perfect excuse not to wear normal clothes. Beer is consumed in mass quantities, and the rowdy atmosphere leads to an average of 1.3 injuries for every 10 people present, the highest injury-to-person ratio of all the Halloween stages. The innocence of youth fades as alcohol is slowly discovered and embraced, but it can be argued that the Costume Parties stage is the greatest of them all.

Stage 5: Lame Parties: Ages 26-35

Around age 26, most notice themselves losing the will to get smashed anymore, and notice their friends mellowing out as well. The raucous parties of the late teenage years and early twenties fade into tame gatherings of a few friends, and in the later parts of the Lame Parties stage, their families. Costumes are no longer worn, and this stage marks the end of the dressing up era. Most get married in the Lame Parties stage, and some have kids of there own who will be entering the Halloween circle of life in just a few short years. People in this stage have to begin to buy candy, but they make the effort to answer the door and compliment the kids on their costumes, thinking about how they will be sending one of their own children before they know it.

Stage 6: Parenting: Ages 36-55

Within the parenting stage, you are now responsible for getting your kids dressed up and taking them around the neighborhood as they enter the Trick or Treating stage. A remarkable view into the Halloween circle of life, some parents have nostalgic experiences on the Halloween trek, chuckling a bit to themselves when they see a bowl full of candy and their kids only take one piece. Good work parents, you've raised them well.

Stage 7: Being Old: Ages 55-death

The grimmest of the Halloween stages, Being Old necessitates the dwindling love of the great holiday of Halloween. The kids are off at college or have their own jobs now, and kids are seemingly more and more of a bother as a person in this stage becomes more advanced in their years. No longer do they make the effort to come to the door and see the kids in their costumes, as getting of the couch and tearing themselves away from reruns of "I Love Lucy" has become quite a chore. Having forgotten the Halloweens of their youth, those in the Being Old stage often leave out bowls of candy for the neighborhood kids, making sure to write a note to only take one piece, assuring themselves that the instructions will be followed.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

If MLB Games Were Decided By a Fight Between the Teams' Names: Cubs vs. Pirates

MLB Commissioner Buld Selig, in an effort to increase ticket sales and boost TV ratings, announced that for one day of the club's choosing, scheduled baseball games would be decided by a cage match between the names of the two opposing teams. The teams were allowed to interpret their names in any way they desired, as long as the umpires approved the choice of representation. The games would last until one of the two opponents was unable to continue or clearly beaten, as determined by the umpires. Here is the radio broadcast from the Cubs/Pirates game if you missed it.


Pat Hughes: Well here we are on a beautiful day at PNC Park, where a most unusual matchup between the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates is about to take place.

Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.

Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.

Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.
Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!

Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!

Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.

Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.

Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!

Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!

Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!

Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.
Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.

Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.

Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.

Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".

Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.

Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!

Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?

Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.

Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!

Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!

Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

Friday, August 1, 2008

BC Dean Richard Keeley to go by “R. Keeley” for 2008-2009 School Year

CSOM Associate Dean Richard Keeley announced this week that he plans to go by the title “R. Keeley” for the upcoming school year in support for the acquitted R&B star R. Kelly. Keeley says that he is also encouraging students to join him in supporting the popular music icon. “It doesn’t have to be anything major,” said Keeley in an interview, “it could be something as simple as wearing a do-rag on every Wednesday or maybe putting on a few of R. Kelly’s hits on your speaker systems every weekend.”

Keeley claims to be a long-time fan of R. Kelly’s, citing that his single “I Believe I Can Fly” got him through some of the toughest times in his life. “I still get a little choked up if that song comes on my iPod Shuffle,” said Keeley. “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky,” Keeley quietly sung to himself with his eyes closed near the end of the interview.

Dean Keeley also said plans were in motion to have R. Kelly to perform at the school’s spring concert, and also to rename the Honors Library to the “Robert Kelly Honors Library”, where students can study peacefully to the soft sounds of the R&B singer’s early albums. “I’ve met R. Kelly on a couple of occasions, and he really is a great guy,” said Keeley. “The man can put on a great concert, and there’s no song I love more to work to than “Ignition”, so hopefully I can have the Honors Library jazzed up within the year.”

Keeley has met some opposition from his colleagues about the project, citing that it is distracting him from his work. “I can hear him just playing R. Kelly songs in his office for a good majority of the day, so I can’t imagine that he is getting much work done in there” said Keeley’s secretary. “And it is very distracting now that he gives his speeches to a hip-hop beat.”

Despite the criticism, Keeley says that he’s not going to “flake out on his homeboy” and push for the library project’s completion as soon as possible. “I hope students will join me in celebrating this great musician and man this upcoming school year by showing their support for him and the Honors Library project” Keeley said as he got up to leave. “Peace.”

Monday, July 28, 2008

The First Annual American Beer Conference

Budweiser: Alright, it seems that most of us are here, so lets get started. I'm glad all of you could make it out tonight to this American Beer Conference, and I think that by sharing ideas and strategies with each other can benefit all of our respective businesses. Our first order of business is to discuss sales patterns and demographic trends within...

Icehouse: (bursts through the door and interrupts, clearly drunk) Heeeeeeey bitches! What's goin' on?

Budweiser: Icehouse, please just sit down, I wish you would try harder to be on time to these kinds of things.

Icehouse: What are you talkin' about, Bud man? I was right on time for your barbeque last week!

Keystone Light: Budweiser! You had a barbeque last week and didn't invite me?

Miller Lite: That's because nobody likes you, Keystone.

MGD: Lite! I let you tag along to this thing, so you better mind your manners!

Miller Lite: Sorry, dad.

Keystone Light: Oh look, Lite is sucking up to his dad again, what a surprise!

Miller Lite: Shut your mouth, rat piss!

Keystone Light: I think someone's a little upset that they will never be as full-bodied or tasteful as their father!

Miller Lite: At least my father's still around!

Budweiser: GENTLEMEN! Please, stop fighting. We are all here to work together, not argue amongst ourselves. Now onto the...what's that noise?

MGD: I don't know, but brrrrrrr, it just got really cold in here.

(The sound of a train whistle gets louder and louder. Suddenly the Coors Silver Bullet train blasts through the wall of the convention center and Coors hops off.)

Coors: Howdy! How y'all doin' tonight?

Budweiser: COORS! For the last time, you cannot ride that train to the exact spot you want to go all the time! The train station is only 3 blocks away for God's sake!

Coors: Sorry about that Bud, I sensed that some people in here were hot and parched, so I thought it'd be best to ride the bullet on through.

Budweiser: Well if we were outdoors it'd be one thing, but we are renting space from a hotel, and I'm going to be responsible for what looks to be a couple thousand dollars worth of damages!

Icehouse: (under his breath) I'm sure that'll really hurt, Mr. 16 billion dollars in sales.
Coors: That's my bad Bud; I'll help you out with those expenses.

Keystone Light: Ha! What are you gonna do, rent out the spare bedroom in your trailer?
Coors: Oh for cryin' out loud, who invited Keystone?

Miller Lite: I bet he was browsing events on Facebook and invited himself!

Keystone Light: Shut your tab, Lite! Hey Coors, why don't you go watch some NASCAR, white trash!

Budweiser: God you're an asshole Keystone.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Things That Would Have Terrible Opposites

I was painfully sipping a "Milwaukee's Best" one night when I thought, "If this is Milwaukee's Best, what would "Milwaukee's Worst" be like?" As the normal thought process of a drinking night resumed, I found that many of the things I thought of during the course of the night would have awful opposites. Here are the ones I remember:

Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.

Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.

Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.

Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.

Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"


The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If ER Was a Sitcom

Since the popular television series "ER" is going into its 15th season, odds are the writers are running out of dramatic material to put on the show. To keep the audience interested for one more season, they may need to change their routine and give the drama a comedic twist.

(Three doctors and a nurse wheel in a patient and put him on the operating table.)

Nurse Samantha Taggart: Doctor, we need to act fast! The patient is Timothy Benson, and he apparently was shot in the head with a nailgun by a construction worker, who claims Benson was trying to attack him with a shovel while naked on several occasions. The thing is, he survived, but the nail is still in his head!

Dr. Tony Gates: Sounds like he may have a few screws loose in there as well! (laughtrack)

Dr. Abby Lockhart: (looking at a monitor) It appears the nail pierced the right hemisphere of his brain and entered the brain stem. The patient has lost all motor function in the left side of his body.

Dr. Archie Morris: That's odd, he doesn't look all right to me! (laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Timothy Benson: Where am I? What's going on?

Taggart: This is incredible! Dr. Gates, the patient is conscious!

Gates: Young man, you are in a hospital. It looks like we are going to have to perform a partial brain transplant if you are to live. Based on the report, though, we may want to just replace the whole thing! (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't want to live! Just let me die!

Morris: We cannot do that, we have a duty to preserve human life, no matter how much the world would be better off without you. (laughtrack) Nurse, prepare the transplant and the blood transfusion.

Taggart: What's his blood type?

Morris: (nudging Gates in the side) Something tells me it's B-negative! (laughtrack)Taggart: Transfusion ready! Abby, apply the anesthetic!

Lockhart: Alright Timothy, just breathe in, pretend you are huffing some of that stuff you did earlier. (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't wan...I don't...I...

Gates: Jeez, he put up less of a fight against being knocked out than my ex-wife! (The cast shares a laugh, also laughtrack.)

Taggart: Doctor, everything is prepared for the surgery. Make the incision when you are ready, but remember, it must be very precise.

Morris: Ah, I've done this procedure a million times; I guess you could call it a no-brainer! (laughtrack)

Lockhart: The transplant is ready, Dr. Gates.

Gates: Alright everyone, stand back. (He successfully performs the surgery.)

Taggart: Excellent work Dr. Gates! I wish I had a pair of fingers like that around the house! (Camera zooms in on her looking at a picture of her husband on the desk and sighing. Laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Benson: Wow, I feel great! I guess I could give life another go!

Gates: That's the right attitude. Looks like we really...changed your mind! (laughtrack)

Benson: (looking at the camera and shrugging) I guess laughter really is the best medicine!(The camera fades out as the cast has a good laugh.)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Honest Weekend Fast Food Advertisements

If fast food chains advertised honestly on weekend nights at colleges, this is what the commercials would sound like:

Do you have no respect at all for your body? Tired of paying a dollar for some worthless double cheeseburger? I bet you're thinking Arby's! Since our meat arrives at out restaurants in gelatinous form, we can assure you that the time you wait for your meal is a carefully designed hardening process that is similar to the cooking of a fresh roast beef sandwich! Do we normally tell you this information? No! But we figure that if you are even considering going to Arby's in the first place, you won't give a shit about how our sandwiches are made, at least until tomorrow morning in the bathroom!

Drunk? Don't know where the fuck you are? Well, we know there's one symbol you can recognize even in your current state; that's right, the Golden Arches! If you are looking to fill your beer-stretched stomach after a night of shameless drinking, McDonalds is the restaurant for you! We put so little thought or effort into the production or preparation of our product, but you won't even notice because you are so fucked out of your mind! In addition, we will be giving out free rides on our prestigious Ronald McDonald statue, who comes to life on Saturdays, and we encourage all customers to partake!

Drunk? No McDonalds in sight? Get the fuck over to Burger King! The King will deliver any food you desire, and maybe a little something extra ;).God those bastards at McDonalds are real pricks, aren't they? Trying to run the little guy out of business! I'll tell you what; let's just take down the man, you know? McDonalds is just so corporate, they're just using the people, man. Don't support the fat cats of this nation, bro, go to Burger King. Oh, and Chicken Nuggets don't have fuckin' shit on our Chicken Tenders! Ronald McDonald likes touching children!

Don't have any plans between 9:00 A.M and 3:00 P.M tomorrow? Why don't you stop on in and have a few slyders? Our buns and burgers are softer and more manageable than any other fast food chain, that is, in terms of eating them! But I'll tell you, you better have an open schedule in the morning and afternoon tomorrow, because our burgers are going to come out as fast as they went in! We just try to get you on your way here at White Castle, and if that means pumping the burgers full of laxatives so you can clear your barrel in one shot, so be it. Just make sure you have the safety on overnight!

Curious about why your dog gets so excited over every meal? Why don't you come on in to Taco Bell? We can show you why eating low grade meat can be so exciting, time after time! We've paid homeless Hispanics for years to come up with new taco ideas, but don't fret; Taco Bell has retained the same standard that got several restaurants shut down in the 90s in restaurants nationwide! But who the fuck cares? Chalupas! Chalupas!

Hey, couldn't find a party tonight? That's alright, pussy, we can give you something that will keep you completely healthy, since you have no friends and all! Why don't you join Jared and have no life for 10 years and try to slim down so you have some attempt at finding a wife! But you will have to have a sandwich with no toppings or sauces for it to be healthy! We actually have a bin around back with day old bread, so why don't you just scrounge through that, fatty! You can even pretend those leftover twelve inch loaves are your friends, loser!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Things That Are Better Than Jesus

While Jesus was and is still well known for his time on Earth 2,000 years ago, in a modern context there are many items that accomplish the same things he did, and then some. For example:


The Lord is probably best known for "dying and rising from the dead". However, in my experience, my cell phone has died at least 10 times, and each time it has come back to life without any problem. Oh, and it can make calls too, which Jesus could not do.


Curious about the meaning of life? Well you don't have to try to understand a bunch of confusing parables anymore from a guy that lived 2000 years ago. Typing "the meaning of life" into Google gives you over 23 million hits, laying out the meaning of life plain and simple.


Walking on water? Pssshhh! How about gliding on water at over 60 miles an hour? Eat wake, Jesus


Can Jesus create a rock so big that even he cannot lift it? I don't know, but I know he can't make one Mariusz Pudzianowski can't lift. That guy could bench 5 stacked Hebrews at the same time if he wanted to, and Jesus got beat up by a few Romans. Who would you rather have on your side in a street fight?


Sure, Jesus provided a few thousand fish for some people in the countryside, but McDonalds sells millions of Filet O' Fishes around the world every day. They are much tastier than raw fish, too.


When Peter cut off that one guy's ear, Jesus did a pretty good job of patching it up. But plastic surgeons won't stop there; how about fixing that hook nose those Romans often had, or doing something about those rolls on that midsection? Well, the fine people at Chicago Plastic Surgery would have taken care of that right away in a painless outpatient procedure. Oh, no, we understand Jesus. You were busy. You were always busy.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

An Affair With a Woman Who Only Talks In Rolling Stones Song Titles

(On the phone)

Me: Hey Angie, how's it going?

Angie: Sad, Sad, Sad.

Me: Oh no, trouble with the husband again?

Angie: 19th Nervous Breakdown. Always Suffering.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you two are still married.

Angie: That's How Strong My Love Is.

Me: Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Angie: I Just Want To Make Love To You.

Me: Are you serious?

Angie: This Place is Empty.

Me: But doesn't your husband come home from work in a few hours?

Angie: It Won't Take Long. A Quick One While He's Away.

Me: Well, I guess if your husband isn't giving you the attention you deserve...

Angie: Everybody Needs Somebody to Love. Ain't Too Proud To Beg.

Me: Well, alright. What's your address again?

Angie: 2120 South Michigan Avenue.

Me: What's the best way to get there from my house?

Angie: Take the "A" Train.

Me: Got it. I'll see you in about half an hour.

Angie: I Am Waiting. Can't Be Seen.

Me: Alright, I'll be careful

(At the apartment)

Angie: Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Me: Haha, very funny. So...what are we gonna start with?

Angie: Champagne and Reefer.

Me: Sweet! Get it started!

Angie: Rip This Joint.

Me: Nice, that's some good stuff.

Angie: Don't Stop.

Me: Alright, I'll hit it again.

Angie: Flip the Switch.

Me: Alright, lights out.

Angie: On With the Show.

Me: Alright, let's do it.

Angie: Hold on to Your Hat.

Me: Ah, a wild one are you? I'll let you get on top.

Angie: Rock Me Baby, Down in the Hole. Suck on the Jugular.

Me: Whoa, that's kinky. Whatever gets you off...whoa, think I broke the skin there.

Angie: Let It Bleed.

Me: Man you are wild!

Angie: Oh Baby (We Got A Good Thing Goin')

Me: Yeah we do! Keep it up!

Angie: I've Been Loving You Too Long.

Me: Ok, I'll finish up.

Angie: Might as Well Get Juiced.

Me: Alright, if you want it.

Angie: Ain't That A Lot of Love.

Me: Yeeeeah it is.

Angie: It's All Over Now. Congratulations.

Me: Sorry about that.

(suddenly there is a knock on the door from her husband, Mick)

Mick: Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

Me: Oh shit! It's your husband! What should I do?

Angie: Think.

Me: I...I...

Angie: (to me) Out of Time. Get Up, Stand Up, You Gotta Move. Please Go Home.

Me: I can't now, your husband's at the door! Go answer it; I'll hide in the closet!

(Angie answers the door)

Angie: Oh No, Not You Again.

Mick: Who's Been Sleeping Here?

Angie: Angie

Mick: Lies.

(The closet door collapses and I fall onto the floor in front of them)

Me: Mick, I can explain!

Mick: Anyway You Look At It...

Me: I'm sorry, don't hurt Angie, I'll leave and never come back!

Angie: Let Me Go.

Mick: Had It With You. Tie You Up, Bitch. Back of My Hand. (he slaps her) Stop Breaking Down. No Use in Crying.

(A neighbor hears the commotion and walks in.)

Neighbor: What's going on here?

Angie: Now I've Got a Witness.

Mick: What a Shame.

Angie: Biggest Mistake. Mixed Emotions. Empty Heart. I Go Wild. How Can I Stop?

Mick: Pain in My Heart. One More Try? Sweethearts Together?

Angie: Honest I Do. I Wanna Hold You.

(Mick and Angie start making love on the spot.)

Tommy: This is fucked up! Get me outta here! (I run out.)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Less Common Baseball Sex Terms

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Foul Ball: This has the simple meaning of being shut down, but in a nice way. You try to put the ball in the field of play to get on any base, but you a turned away and must try again on a different pitch.

Ace: This is a girl that rarely lets any guys get on base. Only if a guy is a really good hitter will he have any chance of getting anywhere with this girl.

Bases Loaded: This is just a full out orgy. You have a guy on first base, second base, and third base all at the same time, all within the same area. If you reach base, you know at least one of them is going to reach home plate.

Strikeout Looking: This term means the girl has given the guy a clear sign she wants him on one of the bases, but he just lets it go by and the opportunity is lost.

Stealing Home: Rape.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Procrastinometer

This simple guide will help you determine how much you are falling short of living life to the fullest. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Writers’ Strike Claims Lives of 21 BC Students, Hospitalizes 57 More

Continuing to ruthlessly deprive the television audience of many of their favorite shows, the writer’s strike has taken an especially hard toll on colleges, since they are hotbeds for boredom and addiction. Last week, 21 more BC students succumbed to the affliction scientifically named “penuriae scriptores” but become known among college students as “Writerstrikitis”. The lack of new episodes causes psychological and physical problems in avid television watchers, and in more and more cases, is fatal. Symptoms include nervous twitching, night terrors, fever, and diarrhea. The disease is not contagious, but since so many students at Boston College have favorite shows on the major television networks, almost everyone is susceptible to the deadly virus.

“When the writers first went on strike, I thought it would be over in a couple weeks and I could go back to watching Two and a Half Men like I always did. But as a week turned into 4, 5, and 6 weeks, well, my body just couldn’t handle the stress”, said a slightly feverish Caitlin Dalton from her hospital bed. Caitlin’s roommates detected her case of Writerstrikitis early, so they were able to get her essential care in the first stages of the disease, ensuring a full recovery. Some, however, weren’t so lucky. Phil Jones contracted a case of Writerstrikitis soon after the strike started, and it went undetected by his roommates and friends for over a month. He now sits in a hospital bed all day, rocking back and forth and chanting, “Dwight Schrute, Dwight Schrute” over and over again. “The boy is practically braindead,” his nurse said to me earlier in the day. “Nothing short of a miracle could save him now”.

Treatment for Writerstrikitis consists of a two episode dose of the patient’s favorite network show from DVD three times per day, but these reruns can only provide limited help. “Some of our patients are so disoriented that they think the episodes they see on DVDs are new ones and the writers have stopped striking, but once they find themselves quoting several lines from the episodes, they discover the truth and their condition worsens,” said Nurse Johnson, a medical professional over at St. Elizabeth’s. “I just hope the writers take these kids in consideration when they complain over going uncompensated for a few internet shows.”

Boston College officials have put out pamphlets about Writerstrikitis around campus, and recommend that everyone that could possibly be affected gets tested. They have always advocated safe television watching, but say that those who abused their privileges should not be embarrassed or ashamed to go see a doctor. “Everyone should watch themselves, friends, and roommates for signs and symptoms of the disease to make sure we catch cases while they are still treatable,” said Johnson. “These are good kids, but one mistake can mean months of suffering for them.”

Friday, January 4, 2008

BC Freshman Appalled at School Policies

BC Freshman Tony Daniels was shocked last Friday when a Xavier RA informed him that he would have to stop drinking alcohol and meet with his building’s RD to discuss possible punishment after a large party held in Daniels’ room was broken up. Daniels was also clearly shaken when he was told a note would be sent home to his parents informing them of the offense.

“I always thought that college was, you know, separate from the drinking laws of the United States, like an unwritten rule or something,” said Daniels, who appeared nervous and emotional at the time of the interview.

"This sucks,” Daniels added.

Although most school officials agree that drinking policies are pretty clearly defined and the dangers of alcohol are well communicated to the students, most acknowledge that some students slip through the cracks when it comes to alcohol awareness. A staff member within the student development office who elected to remain nameless said, “AlcoholEdu is great and all, but once in a while you’re going to have a Tony Daniels come strutting in the place thinking its all one big joke. Well its not, and he knows that now.”

Daniels represents a growing number of students seemingly unaware of the drug and alcohol policies of Boston College. Programs such as AlcoholEdu and “Nights on the Heights” have been launched on the BC campus to both inform students about the dangers of drinking and provide them with alternate activities to drinking on the weekends. But with a mere 80% required to pass on the AlcoholEdu course final, it isn’t surprising that many students feel left in the dark.

"I mean, they come out with movies like Animal House, and you think to yourself ‘man, college is gonna be wild’, but then you come in here and get written up for having like 20 people in your good-sized regular triple? C’mon, there was like at least 4 times that many in the Animal House. It’s just not fair,” Daniels ranted in the interview.

Instituted by many colleges throughout the United States in the past decade, AlcoholEdu has recently come under fire after a widespread poll shows that a mere 3% of college students say the skits in the program reflect an average party that they attend. Words such as “forced” and “phlegmatic” were most commonly used in describing the program among students polled, and many confessed to falling asleep to the droning monotonous voice present throughout most of the steps.

“I heard that I have to take that stupid AlcoholEdu thing over again, be on probation for like three months or something, and I’m gonna have to call my parents eventually and tell them what happened, so I’m really bummed out right now. That stupid party is gonna ruin my life for the rest of the semester,” mumbled Daniels as he stared at the floor. When asked what he was going to do this upcoming weekend or if any of the “Nights on the Heights” activities appealed to him, Daniels replied with a hearty laugh; “I dunno, but honestly, I’m probably just gonna end up drinking somewhere else.”