Sunday, August 3, 2008

If MLB Games Were Decided By a Fight Between the Teams' Names: Cubs vs. Pirates

MLB Commissioner Buld Selig, in an effort to increase ticket sales and boost TV ratings, announced that for one day of the club's choosing, scheduled baseball games would be decided by a cage match between the names of the two opposing teams. The teams were allowed to interpret their names in any way they desired, as long as the umpires approved the choice of representation. The games would last until one of the two opponents was unable to continue or clearly beaten, as determined by the umpires. Here is the radio broadcast from the Cubs/Pirates game if you missed it.


Pat Hughes: Well here we are on a beautiful day at PNC Park, where a most unusual matchup between the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates is about to take place.

Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.

Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.

Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.
Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!

Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!

Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.

Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.

Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!

Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!

Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!

Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.
Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.

Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.

Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.

Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".

Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.

Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!

Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?

Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.

Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!

Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!

Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

Friday, August 1, 2008

BC Dean Richard Keeley to go by “R. Keeley” for 2008-2009 School Year

CSOM Associate Dean Richard Keeley announced this week that he plans to go by the title “R. Keeley” for the upcoming school year in support for the acquitted R&B star R. Kelly. Keeley says that he is also encouraging students to join him in supporting the popular music icon. “It doesn’t have to be anything major,” said Keeley in an interview, “it could be something as simple as wearing a do-rag on every Wednesday or maybe putting on a few of R. Kelly’s hits on your speaker systems every weekend.”

Keeley claims to be a long-time fan of R. Kelly’s, citing that his single “I Believe I Can Fly” got him through some of the toughest times in his life. “I still get a little choked up if that song comes on my iPod Shuffle,” said Keeley. “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky,” Keeley quietly sung to himself with his eyes closed near the end of the interview.

Dean Keeley also said plans were in motion to have R. Kelly to perform at the school’s spring concert, and also to rename the Honors Library to the “Robert Kelly Honors Library”, where students can study peacefully to the soft sounds of the R&B singer’s early albums. “I’ve met R. Kelly on a couple of occasions, and he really is a great guy,” said Keeley. “The man can put on a great concert, and there’s no song I love more to work to than “Ignition”, so hopefully I can have the Honors Library jazzed up within the year.”

Keeley has met some opposition from his colleagues about the project, citing that it is distracting him from his work. “I can hear him just playing R. Kelly songs in his office for a good majority of the day, so I can’t imagine that he is getting much work done in there” said Keeley’s secretary. “And it is very distracting now that he gives his speeches to a hip-hop beat.”

Despite the criticism, Keeley says that he’s not going to “flake out on his homeboy” and push for the library project’s completion as soon as possible. “I hope students will join me in celebrating this great musician and man this upcoming school year by showing their support for him and the Honors Library project” Keeley said as he got up to leave. “Peace.”