Saturday, December 22, 2007

Construction on Gasson Hall Not Enough, Say University Officials

With construction on Gasson Hall due to end sometime during the fall semester of next year, University officials had to scramble in order to make sure new projects would be under way by the time of its completion. Finally able to release a 10-year Master Plan for the future of BC, the officials could breathe a sigh of relief as construction was now guaranteed for the next several years. “Boston College just wouldn’t be the same without a construction site,” said BC President William Leahy, S.J. “It is part of our identity here in Chestnut Hill.”

The Master Plan calls for 754 billion dollars to be allocated the construction of new facilities and academic buildings on the current campus and the newly purchased Brighton Campus, allowing for much improvement and installation of new facilities. Still, Leahy says that they were hard pressed to dedicate more money to the project. “In today’s world, there’s only so much you can do with 754 billion dollars. It’s a shame we weren’t able to allot the funds necessary to squeeze in just one more building on the new campus.”

The best estimates of when this large construction program will be fully completed have the project finishing sometime between 2080 and 2100. Leahy says he plans to garner support for finishing the project as soon as possible by using the catchy motto “Construction-Free in ’83!” When asked about the project and the catchphrase, BC students seemed rather indifferent to both. “The project isn’t going to be finished in my lifetime, let alone my time here at BC, so why should I give a $#!%? And that catchphrase sounds like something my 5 year old sister would come up with,” replied notoriously pessimistic senior Michael Denison. But even the most enthusiastic lovers of Boston College didn’t seem to care much about the new construction plan either. “I mean I realize that universities have to grow and expand, but this plan seems a little overaggressive. Can’t Leahy give the construction a break for a few years?”

In contrast, University officials are elated with the plan. “When we don’t have any more money to decide how to spend, we really don’t have much to do around here,” said President Leahy as he threw a paper airplane into group of financial officers playing Minesweeper. “Since this new project will take almost a century to complete, it is safe to say that most of us have finished our real work here at Boston College.”

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Beer Satchel

A new trend among young women has been sweeping the U.S. by storm in recent months, redefining the fashion accessory market for both college girls and women trying to be college girls. This new hot item has been dubbed the "Beer Satchel", and despite early failures after the product’s launch, the Beer Satchel has become a Friday night essential for more and more girls throughout the nation.

“I can’t imagine my life without it”, said gleeful Kansas University student Brigid Smith during our interview. “The Beer Satchel has truly been a Godsend for me.”

The Beer Satchel provides young women that like to drink alcohol on the weekends with a constant supply of beer that is essential in maintaining that perfect buzz. Women who have purchased one say that while waiting for “some guy to get off their lazy ass and go for a beer run”, the Beer Satchel is perfect for tiding them over in those painfully sobering hours. Although the product seems to be just a purse stuffed with cans of beer, Mako Industries, the company that produces the Beer Satchel, insists that it is much more. “You have to understand, this is the first product like this the market has ever seen”, said CEO of Mako Industries Zach Perry. “The Beer Satchel is top quality and will revolutionize the way women spend their weekends.”

Although Perry boasts many satisfied customers, bar and restaurant owners are furious because women dining out are sneaking beers in undetected using the Beer Satchel, resulting in lost drink sales. “I a-swear, the next young a-girl who ba-rings that a-satchel in a-here is going to a-get il mio piede su il suo asino!” said an animated and thickly accented Marco Gallucci, owner of a local Olive Garden in the suburbs of Chicago. “I a-hate that stupid a-thing!” he added.

Bars are taking an even bigger hit as a result of the rising popularity of the Beer Satchel, and most owners now have banned the fashion accessory from their places of business. Restaurants are just beginning to prohibit the Beer Satchel, but most will likely disallow it by the year’s end. Despite increased restrictions, the status of the Beer Satchel as the “gotta-have-it” item of winter remains in place. Polls taken of women between the ages of 18 and 28 support the growing consensus that the Beer Satchel is here to stay.

“The Beer Satchel, is like, totally so awesome, it’s like it always knows when I want a beer, and gives one to me”, said Brigid Smith with a slightly lighter Satchel hanging from her shoulder. “I just wish that everyone could have one so that everyone could have beer whenever they wanted and have as much fun as I’m having every time I have my Beer Spatula out with me”.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

How Guys Spend Their Time

A series of pie charts follows that shows how guys spend their time (when they are not sleeping) at different stages of their lives:

Friday, November 23, 2007

Childhood Nickelodeon: Unanswered Questions

As the era of 90s Nickelodeon shows has passed, there are still many questions I have about the various shows during that time:

Did the kid that won the sweet glowing green GUTS trophy get to keep it?

Who was the voice of Olmec and how can I get in touch with him?

What did the temple guards do with the first kid in the 2 minute disparity between catching him/her and their partner being caught or finishing?

Lori-Beth Denberg. Where is she? Heart attack?

How did Face’s professional relationship with Nickelodeon come to an end?

Did they tell the kids to mess up while building the silver monkey statue every fucking time to increase suspense and ratings?

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Kel. Where is he? Orange soda overdose?

Have you considered bringing back Wild and Crazy Kids with the same exact kids, but now that they’re all about college age have them participate in massive drinking games in teams rather than water balloon fights and the like?

What did Dr. Claw of Inspector Gadget look like?

How did CatDog go to the bathroom?

Is there any way you could get me a date with Summer Sanders?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

The "FUCK!" Volume Scale

Throughout the course of our lives, certain events cause us to just yell "FUCK!" involuntarily. This scale is designed to give you an idea of how loud you scream "FUCK!" for each event.

40 decibels (Refrigerator Humming): Failing a test you studied 3 hours for.

55 decibels (Normal Talking Voice): Getting a piece of dust in your eye when no one is around.

70 decibels (Hair Dryer): Having absolutely no will to do homework and logging on to CollegeHumor only to find there are no new updates.

80 decibels (Subway): Getting killed in Halo 3 by a n00b.

90 decibels (Lawnmower): Having your team lose a game on a last second 3 pointer by the other team.

100 decibels (Snowmobile): Missing the last note of a perfected Guitar Hero song.

110 decibels (Jackhammer): Hearing stories of what you did while you were blacked out last night.

120 decibels (Chainsaw): Waking up from a sex dream with a hot girl and ensuing inability to fall back asleep.

140 decibels (Shotgun Firing): Looking in the mirror for the first time after a shaming.

215 decibels (Space Shuttle Launch): Waking up outside having no recollection of how you got there or what happened the night before.

248 decibels (Hiroshima A-Bomb) Your girlfriend telling you she is pregnant.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Internet, Honestly

What It Says


What It Means

Monday, November 12, 2007

Skits You Can Expect From Dane Cook Within the Year

I gotta tell you people out there about something i just need to, you know, just put out there so like BAGOW! its out there so that you all know what im thinkin about (laughs). I love head. (wild cheers from audience) Ha! Yeah the guys out there know what I'm talking about! Head is just so goddamn good its like urrrrrr boing boing boing gasplash and its all over but its just the best thing ever (laughs). The only problem with head is that you ladies (glares fake angrily at the crowd, gets laughs) are under the impression that they are supposed to last 10 minutes...TOPS. I came up with a theory the other day that i think explains why this is, and how we can fix this little guys wanna hear it? (cheering and clapping erupt) Alright then guys come with me on this adventure, this journey, this QUEST (laughs) for the extended blow job. So my theory is that the terminology of the act, AKA blow job (a few laughs) is misleading to women. I mean you think about it, you break it down like noo noo noo noo noo noo (laughs) .......... thats the sound of something being broken down. (uncontrollable laughter) So anyway you break it down and you got blow on one side, right, and you got job on the other. First of all, where the fuck did blow come from? I don't want a fucking raspberry on my dick (laughs) pbbsbsbbtbtbbt hahahahha stop it that tickles. (clapping and cheering from audience). And in the second part you have job. A job is something you do for I dunno fuckin 4 or 5 years or somethin, which i translate to 4 to 5 minutes of blow job time. (gets laughs just because of the way he says fuckin) I say fuck blow jobs man, lets get something better going for us bros in here (guys cheer). Alright so check this out i have created the new best thing EVER: The Suck Career! (crowd is on their feet laughing and cheering). Alright so lets take a look at what we have here now: we got suck, alright thats halfway there pretty self-explanatory (laughs) and then we got the career. That makes it clear to you LADIES (laughs) that your not employed for a few minutes at Suck-E-Cheese but that you are in that shit for the long haul. (Wild cheers and applause from audience as the crowd cannot contain their laughter). He he he! BAGOW! (more laughs) ....... My dicks gonna fuckin have you on tenure hahaHA! (laughs as the joke ends)

to be continued...