If Ryanair's Safety Cards Had Captions

In case you aren't familiar with Ryanair, they are the world's cheapest airline, and flying on a cramped, non-reclining seat as I did this morning will make you realize why. They cut costs in every aspect of their business, including their safety "cards" (which are actually just printed on the seat back in front of you), which look like they could have been drawn by a mentally challenged kindergartner. Bored while waiting for my flight to take off, I thought of captions that could accompany the ridiculous safety card drawings.

Note: Quality is terrible but it was the best I could find, and this article may be more appropriate for the European crowd (collegehumour.com?), but its the best I've got.

Emergency Oxygen:

1. Become hypnotized by the swinging oxygen mask. 2. Catch it as it launches towards you. 3. Once you have secured it properly, turn it around so that the mask is on the back of your head.

Life Vests:

1. Push the falling ceiling tile back into place, and a life vest will fall out. 2. Open the life vest packaging with a boomerang-like hand motion. 3. Spin around in a circle as you put on your life jacket. 4. Buckle your life vest, keeping your eyes down on your own work. 5. Either pull down on the red tab... 6. Or sing into the built-in microphone to keep morale high.

Emergency Landing:

In the event of an emergency landing: 1. Leave behind your teeth, glasses, shoes, earrings, and women. 2. Annoy the person in front of you by shaking their seat. 3. Do vertical sit-ups. 4. If clouds begin to engulf the plane, crawl on your hands and knees to the nearest exit, with all 125 other passengers, in a herd-like group.

Exit A: Doors

1. Turn the crank counterclockwise. 2. A white piece of the floor will fly at you. Make sure you dodge it, then continue to turn the crank. 3. Perform the Charleston as you go down the slide, and then run away. (Proper Charleston technique demonstrated in top right inset.)

Exit B: Overwings

1. If you can telepathically communicate with the fire, you cannot leave. 2. Have a black man pull down the red bar located below the exit sign. 3. Another white piece will fly at you. Duck as indicated by the red arrow. 4. Push the door open. 5. Have adult white males exit the sinking/burning plane first.