If Samuel L. Jackson Lines Followed the "Snakes on a Plane" Formula

"I have had it with these motherf*cking dinosaurs in this motherf*cking theme park!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking kids failing their motherf*cking classes!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking Sith Lords on this motherf*cking planet!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking bones in my motherf*cking body!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking "whats" in your motherf*cking answers!"

March Madness No Fun and Games for State Mental Institutions

Although “March Madness” is a fun and exciting time of year for college sports fans and gambling enthusiasts alike, it is the most dreaded time of year for the numerous mental institution employees in Massachusetts. “March is absolutely the worst time to work here,” said Maria Williams, who works at the Massachusetts Mental Health Center. “I have to deal with over 30 prank calls a day, and it is very difficult to remain civil with people who joke about something that is in fact very serious.” Williams said that the prank calls include people saying things like “I always go a little mad this time of year, can I check in for the month?”, “How busy do you guys usually get in March?”, and the inevitable “Yes hi, can I speak to a Cray Person, middle initial Z?”

The agony extends beyond the nuthouse for many of these employees, as friends and family ruthlessly make pun after pun on the word “mad”. “It’s the same s***, year after year,” lamented Williams, lighting a cigarette. “I don’t know how much more I can take.” Williams said that even her husband of 10 years, who knows she can’t stand this time of year, also cannot resist making jokes to her. “It’s just too much fun,” said a smirking Brian Williams, Maria’s husband. “Besides, she’s so cute when she’s mad.”

Williams and a few of her coworkers appealed to the NCAA to change “March Madness” to a different term to avoid their suffering, but their efforts were to no avail. Williams knew that she had only a small chance of succeeding in getting the NCAA to change the name, and upon realizing that the best alternative they could offer was the laughably inadequate “March Merriment”, she almost gave up hope entirely. “We had to try, we just had to try to end this,” said a melancholy Williams. “I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that my life is going to miserable one month out of the year.” I foolishly asked at the end of the interview whether Williams thought her suffering should be compensated with a bump to the next income bracket, at which point she lunged out of her chair and attempted to strangle the life out of me. I ended up OK though, and I hear Mrs. Williams is doing fine as a resident in the Massachusetts Mental Health Center.

AIG Donates $100,000 to UNICEF, Enrages Taxpayers

The announcement yesterday that AIG has donated $100,000 of government bailout money to UNICEF has infuriated taxpayers, who allege that the company is once again misusing the bailout funds given to them. Having flared the temper of the American public just days earlier by announcing that they would be paying $165 million in bonuses to company executives, AIG seems to have done even more damage to their reputation with this UNICEF announcement. I got a chance to catch up with John Paul Rubicon, a construction worker from New Jersey, who says that he is fed up with AIG’s abuse of taxpayer dollars. “I am tired of watching AIG just throw around my hard earned money to these selfish and useless purposes!” shrieked Rubicon. “Bonuses!? Children!? What’s next!? Bacon!?

AIG has become infamous for nearly collapsing last year, and is still operating only because of an unprecedented taxpayer bailout now totaling $170 billion. Although $100,000 seems like a small amount next to $170 billion, in these tough economic times the taxpayers want every dollar of that bailout money going towards one thing; stabilizing the shitstorm that is the U.S. financial market. “I don’t know what AIG was thinking giving 100 grand to UNICEF,” Rubicon noted. “I’ve had to take a second job just to keep my house, and AIG is giving my money to some kids I’m never gonna see, let alone employ!”

With the economy in its current state, it isn’t surprising that the public’s concern over possibly more important issues, such as the 158 million children aged 5-14 engaged in child labor, has dwindled. In a recent poll, just 9% of respondents said they were concerned about child labor and other worldwide atrocities, while a whopping 72% said “I don’t give a flying f***” regarding those issues. Shocking as those statistics might be, and even more alarming that the large majority actually used the terms “flying f***” in their response, they may just be signs of the times. “Listen, I know there’s a bunch of crap going on in the world, but right now we have to throw money at our own issues,” said Rubicon, in between bites of a bacon cheeseburger. “Just tell whoever this UNICEF guy is to talk to us in a few years.”

Brighton Residents Unite Against Off-Campus Noise

     With the arrival of Thursday evening, many Brighton residents prepare quietly for the inevitable onset of the now three to four day period of noise and gross overdrinking that takes place in their neighborhood. With a large portion of BC juniors living in houses off-campus, residents on streets such as South, Radnor, and Kirkwood are virtually guaranteed sleepless nights on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, as students stumble from house to house, presumably searching for new sources of alcohol and members of the opposite sex. "The problem is really getting out of hand," voiced Sally Thompson, who lives on Radnor Rd. between two houses occupied by eight junior boys each. "We complain to the school time and time again, but it seems like they aren't doing anything about the noise issue created by their off-campus students."

     Frustrated Brighton residents are now banding together and taking action against the rowdy off-campus students. A small group of neighbors, led by Thompson, formed B.L.A.N.D., the Brighton League of Angry Neighbor Deliberators. The group held its first meeting at Thompson's house last Wednesday evening to discuss how to tackle their frustrating but equally hilarious off-campus problems, which in some instances reportedly included mailbox defecating, which is a drunk sport that is evidently enjoying significant popularity growth. "We had 40 people from the neighborhood show up full of ideas, so it definitely was a successful night," said Thompson, regarding the meeting. "There were a few idea that went a bit too far, but based on some of the things these people have been subjected too, I think some radical revenge plans were expected."

     Some students have voiced their concerns over the new alliance, citing examples of how groups of angry adults have caused serious problems in the past, such as the infamous "Psychedelic Riot of '74", where Brighton residents physically attacked students they claim were taking psychedelic drugs and causing disturbances. The charges were dropped, mainly because students swore that it was grizzly bears, not neighbors, that caused their injuries. One of Thompson's neighbors, John Felsing, said he knew about the meeting, and could see the neighbors talking in the living room while it was in session. "I don't know exactly what they were talking about in there, but it wasn't good," said Felsing. "A lot of them were getting really worked up over their plans. At one point, when I could tell the discussion was getting heated, one of the men was describing his plan by slowly twisting a corkscrew into a tomato, and then screaming what I can only imagine to be sexually degrading comments at it. What exactly does B.L.A.N.D. plan to do?!

     There have not been too many details released on the group's plans, but Thompson assured us they would "be good...be very good," while rubbing her hands together in an uncomfortably calculating manner. The group plans to meet again soon, as their first discussion was broken up early because of a neighbor's noise complaint.

7 Homeless Signs That Might Persuade Me to Give a Dollar to The Person Holding It, Provided There Is A Unfavorable Timing On the Upcoming Stoplight

Appropriate Post-New Year Cards

There are some situations that arise on New Year's Eve that are difficult to address, but now you can handle these issues through the age old practice of mailing cards.

Cards are in sets of 2, showing front and inside:

Three Alternative Time Wasters for Christmas Break

I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.

 

(Note: All are tried and true.)

Start a political argument with the relative that holds the strongest beliefs: Every family has that one uncle/aunt that is absolutely entrenched in his/her beliefs, and argues blindly for his/her points without even considering opposing arguments. This is the relative that will change you from being bored into fearing for your life, which is a good way to pass the time. Start out with a small little poke to get them started and then just build their anger from there. Say for example Uncle Randy is in town from Detroit. Just make a little comment such as "it's a shame the government decided to bailout those doomed U.S. automakers" and watch the fun begin. Uncle Randy will then launch into a tirade about how the automakers are a pillar of the economy and their collapse could launch us into a second Great Depression, and you get hours of entertainment from telling someone exactly what they don't want to hear.

Learn how to moonwalk: Ever since I saw the "How to Moonwalk" video on CollegeHumor, I was convinced that someone even as uncoordinated and terrible at dancing as me could learn how to moonwalk. After 5 minutes of what can only be described as abject failure, I decided to put moonwalking in the long-term to-do file. Well, I was looking through that file a few days ago and decided to give it another try, and what do you know I learned how to moonwalk flawlessly with just a few hours of practice. It will now serve as an invaluable tool for me to use at unexpected on-the-spot dancing situations that arise at various parties, weddings, and certain liberal funerals. It also provided the added benefit of giving me the opportunity to plan how to break into my old high school's prom to show it off, taking up a couple more of the long Christmas Break hours. Long story short, learn how to moonwalk.

Count the Christmas ornaments: When no one is around, count the number of Christmas ornaments on the Christmas tree. When people gather in the room on Christmas and finish up opening presents, suggest a game where people get to guess how many ornaments are on the Christmas tree, offering some sort of incentive or prize for the winner, such as each of the kids puts in some candy and the winner gets to take it all. When you win, your prize will obviously be contested, but tell your younger cousins that you have magical counting powers and can count anything in 5 seconds. You should count other obvious things in the room that they might quiz you on beforehand, and thus when they challenge you, you can amaze them and also justify your claim to the prize.