Increasing Parkour Popularity a Nightmare for BC Administration, Infirmary

An activity called “parkour” has enraptured a large portion of the Boston College student body in recent weeks, but its increasing popularity hasn’t been all fun and games for the administration at the school.

“I’ve seen some weird sport fads come and go in my years here, but none as strange or destructive as this parkour business” said William Leahy, president of Boston College. “These kids are knowingly hurting themselves and damaging Boston College property by practicing the sport. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?”

Parkour is actually not considered a sport because of its uncompetitive nature, but rather a physical discipline where participants run along a route containing various obstacles, and trying to negotiate these obstacles as efficiently as possible. The discipline is of French origin and is usually practiced in urban areas because of the high density of obstacles such as rails, benches, and buildings. “Parkour has really changed my life for the better,” said Brian Francese, a senior who began practicing parkour this year. “You get a few cuts, break a few limbs, and it’s a great way to stay in shape.”

The Boston College parkour group, named BCPK, was founded in 2008 by Greg and Matt Milano ’11, and now boasts over 150 regular members. They welcome members of all ranges of experience, including those with none at all, which has lead to some unfortunate incidents on campus this past week. Various benches on campus, fences in the area, and several students’ arms have all been snapped in half as a result of increased parkour activity, often because new members are practicing without proper training. The infirmary staff has been overwhelmed by the amount of parkour-related injuries (PRIs) they have had to deal with recently. A member of the infirmary staff had this to say: “We’ve had kids come in here with broken bones, missing teeth, severe scrapes, and they all say its from this thing called ‘parkour’. It’s great that kids are being active, but why this? We’d probably see less injuries if students just smoked pot by the reservoir, like they used to.”

Despite the injuries, many students are still hooked on parkour, and the group continues to recruit new members. As for the BC administration and infirmary staff, they hope that parkour will fade into obscurity once the risks of the activity are realized by students. “We at BC are just hoping that parkour is another passing fad here on campus,” said Leahy, scowling at a student wall jumping onto a ledge outside the O’Neill library. “But then again, it’s not as retarded as that quidditch match in the dust bowl.”

Brighton Residents Unite Against Off-Campus Noise

     With the arrival of Thursday evening, many Brighton residents prepare quietly for the inevitable onset of the now three to four day period of noise and gross overdrinking that takes place in their neighborhood. With a large portion of BC juniors living in houses off-campus, residents on streets such as South, Radnor, and Kirkwood are virtually guaranteed sleepless nights on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, as students stumble from house to house, presumably searching for new sources of alcohol and members of the opposite sex. "The problem is really getting out of hand," voiced Sally Thompson, who lives on Radnor Rd. between two houses occupied by eight junior boys each. "We complain to the school time and time again, but it seems like they aren't doing anything about the noise issue created by their off-campus students."

     Frustrated Brighton residents are now banding together and taking action against the rowdy off-campus students. A small group of neighbors, led by Thompson, formed B.L.A.N.D., the Brighton League of Angry Neighbor Deliberators. The group held its first meeting at Thompson's house last Wednesday evening to discuss how to tackle their frustrating but equally hilarious off-campus problems, which in some instances reportedly included mailbox defecating, which is a drunk sport that is evidently enjoying significant popularity growth. "We had 40 people from the neighborhood show up full of ideas, so it definitely was a successful night," said Thompson, regarding the meeting. "There were a few idea that went a bit too far, but based on some of the things these people have been subjected too, I think some radical revenge plans were expected."

     Some students have voiced their concerns over the new alliance, citing examples of how groups of angry adults have caused serious problems in the past, such as the infamous "Psychedelic Riot of '74", where Brighton residents physically attacked students they claim were taking psychedelic drugs and causing disturbances. The charges were dropped, mainly because students swore that it was grizzly bears, not neighbors, that caused their injuries. One of Thompson's neighbors, John Felsing, said he knew about the meeting, and could see the neighbors talking in the living room while it was in session. "I don't know exactly what they were talking about in there, but it wasn't good," said Felsing. "A lot of them were getting really worked up over their plans. At one point, when I could tell the discussion was getting heated, one of the men was describing his plan by slowly twisting a corkscrew into a tomato, and then screaming what I can only imagine to be sexually degrading comments at it. What exactly does B.L.A.N.D. plan to do?!

     There have not been too many details released on the group's plans, but Thompson assured us they would "be good...be very good," while rubbing her hands together in an uncomfortably calculating manner. The group plans to meet again soon, as their first discussion was broken up early because of a neighbor's noise complaint.

BC Dean Richard Keeley to go by “R. Keeley” for 2008-2009 School Year

CSOM Associate Dean Richard Keeley announced this week that he plans to go by the title “R. Keeley” for the upcoming school year in support for the acquitted R&B star R. Kelly. Keeley says that he is also encouraging students to join him in supporting the popular music icon. “It doesn’t have to be anything major,” said Keeley in an interview, “it could be something as simple as wearing a do-rag on every Wednesday or maybe putting on a few of R. Kelly’s hits on your speaker systems every weekend.”

Keeley claims to be a long-time fan of R. Kelly’s, citing that his single “I Believe I Can Fly” got him through some of the toughest times in his life. “I still get a little choked up if that song comes on my iPod Shuffle,” said Keeley. “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky,” Keeley quietly sung to himself with his eyes closed near the end of the interview.

Dean Keeley also said plans were in motion to have R. Kelly to perform at the school’s spring concert, and also to rename the Honors Library to the “Robert Kelly Honors Library”, where students can study peacefully to the soft sounds of the R&B singer’s early albums. “I’ve met R. Kelly on a couple of occasions, and he really is a great guy,” said Keeley. “The man can put on a great concert, and there’s no song I love more to work to than “Ignition”, so hopefully I can have the Honors Library jazzed up within the year.”

Keeley has met some opposition from his colleagues about the project, citing that it is distracting him from his work. “I can hear him just playing R. Kelly songs in his office for a good majority of the day, so I can’t imagine that he is getting much work done in there” said Keeley’s secretary. “And it is very distracting now that he gives his speeches to a hip-hop beat.”

Despite the criticism, Keeley says that he’s not going to “flake out on his homeboy” and push for the library project’s completion as soon as possible. “I hope students will join me in celebrating this great musician and man this upcoming school year by showing their support for him and the Honors Library project” Keeley said as he got up to leave. “Peace.”

Writers’ Strike Claims Lives of 21 BC Students, Hospitalizes 57 More

Continuing to ruthlessly deprive the television audience of many of their favorite shows, the writer’s strike has taken an especially hard toll on colleges, since they are hotbeds for boredom and addiction. Last week, 21 more BC students succumbed to the affliction scientifically named “penuriae scriptores” but become known among college students as “Writerstrikitis”. The lack of new episodes causes psychological and physical problems in avid television watchers, and in more and more cases, is fatal. Symptoms include nervous twitching, night terrors, fever, and diarrhea. The disease is not contagious, but since so many students at Boston College have favorite shows on the major television networks, almost everyone is susceptible to the deadly virus.

“When the writers first went on strike, I thought it would be over in a couple weeks and I could go back to watching Two and a Half Men like I always did. But as a week turned into 4, 5, and 6 weeks, well, my body just couldn’t handle the stress”, said a slightly feverish Caitlin Dalton from her hospital bed. Caitlin’s roommates detected her case of Writerstrikitis early, so they were able to get her essential care in the first stages of the disease, ensuring a full recovery. Some, however, weren’t so lucky. Phil Jones contracted a case of Writerstrikitis soon after the strike started, and it went undetected by his roommates and friends for over a month. He now sits in a hospital bed all day, rocking back and forth and chanting, “Dwight Schrute, Dwight Schrute” over and over again. “The boy is practically braindead,” his nurse said to me earlier in the day. “Nothing short of a miracle could save him now”.

Treatment for Writerstrikitis consists of a two episode dose of the patient’s favorite network show from DVD three times per day, but these reruns can only provide limited help. “Some of our patients are so disoriented that they think the episodes they see on DVDs are new ones and the writers have stopped striking, but once they find themselves quoting several lines from the episodes, they discover the truth and their condition worsens,” said Nurse Johnson, a medical professional over at St. Elizabeth’s. “I just hope the writers take these kids in consideration when they complain over going uncompensated for a few internet shows.”

Boston College officials have put out pamphlets about Writerstrikitis around campus, and recommend that everyone that could possibly be affected gets tested. They have always advocated safe television watching, but say that those who abused their privileges should not be embarrassed or ashamed to go see a doctor. “Everyone should watch themselves, friends, and roommates for signs and symptoms of the disease to make sure we catch cases while they are still treatable,” said Johnson. “These are good kids, but one mistake can mean months of suffering for them.”

BC Freshman Appalled at School Policies

BC Freshman Tony Daniels was shocked last Friday when a Xavier RA informed him that he would have to stop drinking alcohol and meet with his building’s RD to discuss possible punishment after a large party held in Daniels’ room was broken up. Daniels was also clearly shaken when he was told a note would be sent home to his parents informing them of the offense.

“I always thought that college was, you know, separate from the drinking laws of the United States, like an unwritten rule or something,” said Daniels, who appeared nervous and emotional at the time of the interview.

"This sucks,” Daniels added.

Although most school officials agree that drinking policies are pretty clearly defined and the dangers of alcohol are well communicated to the students, most acknowledge that some students slip through the cracks when it comes to alcohol awareness. A staff member within the student development office who elected to remain nameless said, “AlcoholEdu is great and all, but once in a while you’re going to have a Tony Daniels come strutting in the place thinking its all one big joke. Well its not, and he knows that now.”

Daniels represents a growing number of students seemingly unaware of the drug and alcohol policies of Boston College. Programs such as AlcoholEdu and “Nights on the Heights” have been launched on the BC campus to both inform students about the dangers of drinking and provide them with alternate activities to drinking on the weekends. But with a mere 80% required to pass on the AlcoholEdu course final, it isn’t surprising that many students feel left in the dark.

"I mean, they come out with movies like Animal House, and you think to yourself ‘man, college is gonna be wild’, but then you come in here and get written up for having like 20 people in your good-sized regular triple? C’mon, there was like at least 4 times that many in the Animal House. It’s just not fair,” Daniels ranted in the interview.

Instituted by many colleges throughout the United States in the past decade, AlcoholEdu has recently come under fire after a widespread poll shows that a mere 3% of college students say the skits in the program reflect an average party that they attend. Words such as “forced” and “phlegmatic” were most commonly used in describing the program among students polled, and many confessed to falling asleep to the droning monotonous voice present throughout most of the steps.

“I heard that I have to take that stupid AlcoholEdu thing over again, be on probation for like three months or something, and I’m gonna have to call my parents eventually and tell them what happened, so I’m really bummed out right now. That stupid party is gonna ruin my life for the rest of the semester,” mumbled Daniels as he stared at the floor. When asked what he was going to do this upcoming weekend or if any of the “Nights on the Heights” activities appealed to him, Daniels replied with a hearty laugh; “I dunno, but honestly, I’m probably just gonna end up drinking somewhere else.”

Construction on Gasson Hall Not Enough, Say University Officials

With construction on Gasson Hall due to end sometime during the fall semester of next year, University officials had to scramble in order to make sure new projects would be under way by the time of its completion. Finally able to release a 10-year Master Plan for the future of BC, the officials could breathe a sigh of relief as construction was now guaranteed for the next several years. “Boston College just wouldn’t be the same without a construction site,” said BC President William Leahy, S.J. “It is part of our identity here in Chestnut Hill.”

The Master Plan calls for 754 billion dollars to be allocated the construction of new facilities and academic buildings on the current campus and the newly purchased Brighton Campus, allowing for much improvement and installation of new facilities. Still, Leahy says that they were hard pressed to dedicate more money to the project. “In today’s world, there’s only so much you can do with 754 billion dollars. It’s a shame we weren’t able to allot the funds necessary to squeeze in just one more building on the new campus.”

The best estimates of when this large construction program will be fully completed have the project finishing sometime between 2080 and 2100. Leahy says he plans to garner support for finishing the project as soon as possible by using the catchy motto “Construction-Free in ’83!” When asked about the project and the catchphrase, BC students seemed rather indifferent to both. “The project isn’t going to be finished in my lifetime, let alone my time here at BC, so why should I give a $#!%? And that catchphrase sounds like something my 5 year old sister would come up with,” replied notoriously pessimistic senior Michael Denison. But even the most enthusiastic lovers of Boston College didn’t seem to care much about the new construction plan either. “I mean I realize that universities have to grow and expand, but this plan seems a little overaggressive. Can’t Leahy give the construction a break for a few years?”

In contrast, University officials are elated with the plan. “When we don’t have any more money to decide how to spend, we really don’t have much to do around here,” said President Leahy as he threw a paper airplane into group of financial officers playing Minesweeper. “Since this new project will take almost a century to complete, it is safe to say that most of us have finished our real work here at Boston College.”