If There Were Diplomas For What Students Really Accomplish in College

Increasing Parkour Popularity a Nightmare for BC Administration, Infirmary

An activity called “parkour” has enraptured a large portion of the Boston College student body in recent weeks, but its increasing popularity hasn’t been all fun and games for the administration at the school.

“I’ve seen some weird sport fads come and go in my years here, but none as strange or destructive as this parkour business” said William Leahy, president of Boston College. “These kids are knowingly hurting themselves and damaging Boston College property by practicing the sport. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?”

Parkour is actually not considered a sport because of its uncompetitive nature, but rather a physical discipline where participants run along a route containing various obstacles, and trying to negotiate these obstacles as efficiently as possible. The discipline is of French origin and is usually practiced in urban areas because of the high density of obstacles such as rails, benches, and buildings. “Parkour has really changed my life for the better,” said Brian Francese, a senior who began practicing parkour this year. “You get a few cuts, break a few limbs, and it’s a great way to stay in shape.”

The Boston College parkour group, named BCPK, was founded in 2008 by Greg and Matt Milano ’11, and now boasts over 150 regular members. They welcome members of all ranges of experience, including those with none at all, which has lead to some unfortunate incidents on campus this past week. Various benches on campus, fences in the area, and several students’ arms have all been snapped in half as a result of increased parkour activity, often because new members are practicing without proper training. The infirmary staff has been overwhelmed by the amount of parkour-related injuries (PRIs) they have had to deal with recently. A member of the infirmary staff had this to say: “We’ve had kids come in here with broken bones, missing teeth, severe scrapes, and they all say its from this thing called ‘parkour’. It’s great that kids are being active, but why this? We’d probably see less injuries if students just smoked pot by the reservoir, like they used to.”

Despite the injuries, many students are still hooked on parkour, and the group continues to recruit new members. As for the BC administration and infirmary staff, they hope that parkour will fade into obscurity once the risks of the activity are realized by students. “We at BC are just hoping that parkour is another passing fad here on campus,” said Leahy, scowling at a student wall jumping onto a ledge outside the O’Neill library. “But then again, it’s not as retarded as that quidditch match in the dust bowl.”

Seniors Positive They Never Looked as Young as Freshmen

Brian Francese with an incoming freshman at orientation

As a new class of incoming students begins their adjustment to life at BC and another begins their final chapter of their experience in college, one thing has quickly become apparent. In a recent poll taken of 500 seniors, 450 believe they never looked as young as the current class of preposterously childlike freshman class. “I mean come on, some of those kids look like they could still be in 8^th grade,” said Brian Francese, a senior living in the mods this year. “At first I thought BC started some genius recruiting program and was getting some child prodigies to attend classes here, but I’ve seen probably 100 kids that I could probably get lunch money from already.”

Brian, among other seniors, has already been facing various difficulties in interacting with the class of 2013. Brian volunteered to be an orientation leader this past summer and was shocked by his experience. “So I show up to where my group is supposed to meet, and I swear I thought I had found some children that had been abandoned by a disgruntled foster mother or something,” said Brian. “At first I thought they were trying to trick me into adopting them, but they looked a little too well-fed for orphans, so I soon discovered it was actually my orientation group.” Other seniors have said they have on occasion asked freshmen standing alone questions such as where their mommies are or if they got separated from their buddy on a field trip, leading to embarrassment for all parties involved.

Some experts believe that the seniors have simply been unaware of their own aging, accelerated by excessive drinking and smoking habits exhibited by an overwhelming majority of students. Most seniors polled admitted that they couldn’t remember much about the first couple months of freshman year, a testament to how much time has gone by since they entered college and how much abuse their bodies have endured in the past three years. However, most of the seniors still refuse to believe that they ever looked as young as the freshman class. “I swear that I haven’t looked as young as some of these freshmen since I was in grade school,” said Francese. “I look like I could be the father of some these kids.”