Student Government Shutdown

Setting: Classroom at St. James Elementary, Noon, Friday 4/8/11. Two 8^th graders sit at a table.

Student President Brock: I’m telling you, there is no room to cut any more spending in any of our programs.

Assembly Leader Johnny: That’s because you keep putting all of the student government’s money into things we should not even be doing anyway! Listen, the bottom line is that if we cannot come to an agreement on the budget today, we are going to have to shut down the student government, and we both know how bad that would be. The library, the game room; all of it would be closed.

Brock: I agree, we need to reach a consensus today, but I assure you, every cent I spend out of my proposed $1,000 budget is completely necessary.

Johnny: Oh really? Let’s see here. (Flips through a notebook) $50 for an anti-bully squad on the playground! How can you afford to spend that much? The playground isn’t even part of the student government’s jurisdiction!

Brock: The bullying that has been going on at the playground is a schoolwide disaster that we cannot turn a blind eye to. If we stop taking action against bullies anywhere in the school, the bullying problem will only get worse. I am confident that other departments will step up and take control of the situation, so it is only a temporary spending measure. And you have to admit, the no-cry zone instituted in the playground has been pretty effective so far.

Johnny: But that program along with your anti-bullying initiatives in the cafeteria and hallways cost $200 a year! That’s 20% of our vending machine revenues!

Brock: This student government has a responsibility to make all areas of the school safe, not just our classroom. The funding issue is why I propose that we raise vending machine prices by 5%.

Johnny: 5%?! That is just outrageous! You know that the students have had a tough year. With all of their parents moving to condos, I’ve seen 5 kids begging to shovel the same walk or mow the same walk! They can’t afford an increase in candy prices right now!

Brock: We could delay enacting those measures for awhile I suppose, perhaps until right after I get reelected. (Thinks) The student government could always borrow more money from the math department for the time being.

Johnny: No, we are already up to our necks in IOUs to the math department, and we cannot afford to borrow anymore! You know that the math department could ask for that money now and the student government would be completely screwed, right?

Brock: Theoretically, but they won’t. The department chair and I are really close, and he knows if he calls me on our IOUs I will stop ordering rulers and protractors from him so fast his head would spin.

Johnny: That may be, but there is always a limit to how much a “friend” will lend you, and I think he probably knows enough about you to really damage your reputation around the whole school. I’m telling you, the only way to fix this budget deficit is to cut spending.

Brock: (Rolling eyes) Alright Johnny, let’s hear it again.

Johnny: We already agreed to cut $300 dollars off of our already bloated budget, so I GUESS you could say we are making progress. Now, if you can just agree to cut student government funding to the Unplanned Relationships program, I think that we will be ready to pass this budget.

Brock: That program is way too important to cut. Hundreds of male students would be forced to start relationships against their will, and we cannot allow that to happen.

Johnny: That is their own responsibility. I understand how it is possible to kiss a girl in the heat of the moment, but the boys of the class need to take responsibility for their actions and become “official” with the girls they kiss. It is not the right or duty of the student government to intervene in those situations.

Brock: If we cut the Unplanned Relationships program, there are suddenly going to be relationships all over the place that the guys never wanted and the girls only thought they wanted. Taking away this program is going to ruin lives!

Johnny: Well it’s not like anyone is forcing them to kiss these girls in the first place. They know even during the kiss that their actions could lead to an unwanted relationship.

Brock: Yeah, I guess you’re right to some degree. How about we cut the money budgeted to the Unwanted Relationships program in half and call it a budget?

Johnny: That sounds like a plan. Let’s pass this thing. (They both sign a sheet of notebook paper and put it in an envelope.) Man, how long have we been working on this thing?

Brock: Since the end of 6^th grade, I think. You know, it’s funny, I saw my little brothers fighting the other day over how much money to spend on a new videogame, and I instantly thought of how similar it was to us arguing over the student government’s budget. Kind of sad, really.

Johnny: Yeah. We act like such children sometimes.

If There Were Diplomas For What Students Really Accomplish in College

Maino and T-Pain Are Very Good at Multiple Choice Tests

Gatorade: Championship G Series

If Disney Movies Were Darker

If Videogames Were Named After the Phrases Said Most While Playing Them

Increasing Parkour Popularity a Nightmare for BC Administration, Infirmary

An activity called “parkour” has enraptured a large portion of the Boston College student body in recent weeks, but its increasing popularity hasn’t been all fun and games for the administration at the school.

“I’ve seen some weird sport fads come and go in my years here, but none as strange or destructive as this parkour business” said William Leahy, president of Boston College. “These kids are knowingly hurting themselves and damaging Boston College property by practicing the sport. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?”

Parkour is actually not considered a sport because of its uncompetitive nature, but rather a physical discipline where participants run along a route containing various obstacles, and trying to negotiate these obstacles as efficiently as possible. The discipline is of French origin and is usually practiced in urban areas because of the high density of obstacles such as rails, benches, and buildings. “Parkour has really changed my life for the better,” said Brian Francese, a senior who began practicing parkour this year. “You get a few cuts, break a few limbs, and it’s a great way to stay in shape.”

The Boston College parkour group, named BCPK, was founded in 2008 by Greg and Matt Milano ’11, and now boasts over 150 regular members. They welcome members of all ranges of experience, including those with none at all, which has lead to some unfortunate incidents on campus this past week. Various benches on campus, fences in the area, and several students’ arms have all been snapped in half as a result of increased parkour activity, often because new members are practicing without proper training. The infirmary staff has been overwhelmed by the amount of parkour-related injuries (PRIs) they have had to deal with recently. A member of the infirmary staff had this to say: “We’ve had kids come in here with broken bones, missing teeth, severe scrapes, and they all say its from this thing called ‘parkour’. It’s great that kids are being active, but why this? We’d probably see less injuries if students just smoked pot by the reservoir, like they used to.”

Despite the injuries, many students are still hooked on parkour, and the group continues to recruit new members. As for the BC administration and infirmary staff, they hope that parkour will fade into obscurity once the risks of the activity are realized by students. “We at BC are just hoping that parkour is another passing fad here on campus,” said Leahy, scowling at a student wall jumping onto a ledge outside the O’Neill library. “But then again, it’s not as retarded as that quidditch match in the dust bowl.”

Seniors Positive They Never Looked as Young as Freshmen

Brian Francese with an incoming freshman at orientation

As a new class of incoming students begins their adjustment to life at BC and another begins their final chapter of their experience in college, one thing has quickly become apparent. In a recent poll taken of 500 seniors, 450 believe they never looked as young as the current class of preposterously childlike freshman class. “I mean come on, some of those kids look like they could still be in 8^th grade,” said Brian Francese, a senior living in the mods this year. “At first I thought BC started some genius recruiting program and was getting some child prodigies to attend classes here, but I’ve seen probably 100 kids that I could probably get lunch money from already.”

Brian, among other seniors, has already been facing various difficulties in interacting with the class of 2013. Brian volunteered to be an orientation leader this past summer and was shocked by his experience. “So I show up to where my group is supposed to meet, and I swear I thought I had found some children that had been abandoned by a disgruntled foster mother or something,” said Brian. “At first I thought they were trying to trick me into adopting them, but they looked a little too well-fed for orphans, so I soon discovered it was actually my orientation group.” Other seniors have said they have on occasion asked freshmen standing alone questions such as where their mommies are or if they got separated from their buddy on a field trip, leading to embarrassment for all parties involved.

Some experts believe that the seniors have simply been unaware of their own aging, accelerated by excessive drinking and smoking habits exhibited by an overwhelming majority of students. Most seniors polled admitted that they couldn’t remember much about the first couple months of freshman year, a testament to how much time has gone by since they entered college and how much abuse their bodies have endured in the past three years. However, most of the seniors still refuse to believe that they ever looked as young as the freshman class. “I swear that I haven’t looked as young as some of these freshmen since I was in grade school,” said Francese. “I look like I could be the father of some these kids.”

My Summer Morning Routine Hates Me

Alarm Clock: I'm a racing car, passing by, like Lady Godiva. I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping me. I'M BURNING THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH!

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don't give me that sh*t, college boy. You've been working for two months and you're still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won't find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil' bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?

Alarm Clock: 9,900 DEGREES, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM MR. FARENHEIT!

Me: OK, fine, I'm up, I'm up.

Pillow: Where do you think you're going?

Me: We go through this every morning, Pillow. I have to go to work every day.

Pillow: Well you better f*cking come back, because if you don't, I'm going to tell your ex-girlfriend that you talk to me about her when you're drunk.

Me: You better not pull any crap like you did the last 2 days. I'm getting in the shower.

Shower: So how's work going?

Me: It's fine, it's just...

Shower: It's just that you aren't doing any physical activity anymore. Look at how fat you're getting.

Me: Thanks. You know, I'm trying to hit the gym now and then, but it's hard when...

Shower: When the only exercise you've got since high school has been lifting food to your face. You know what, get out of here and don't come back until you lose a few pounds, OK tubby?

Cell Phone: BUZZZZ! REALLY LOUD VIBRATING! BUZZZ!

Pillow: I would answer your phone, your ex-girlfriend is probably a little creeped out about that message she got a couple minutes ago.

Me: What? What did you say to her you bastard?

Pillow: Why don't you get it straight from your horse's mouth?

Me: (Into phone) Hey, Claire, how's it...no, that wasn't what me, see what happened was...I know it's the third time this week, but it's seriously not me...no, I don't still have feelings for you, it really wasn't me...no, please don't call the cops...Claire?...Claire? (To pillow) You f*cking bastard, she's probably going to get a restraining order against me.

Alarm Clock: I thought you didn't have feelings for her anymore.

Me: I don't, but I mean...f*ck this; screw you guys, I'm going to work.

'95 Volvo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you doin' just tryin' to start me up all quick like. You gotta give me a little love first, get me in the mood.

Me: God damn it.

'95 Volvo: No wonder your girlfriend dumped you.

If Samuel L. Jackson Lines Followed the "Snakes on a Plane" Formula

"I have had it with these motherf*cking dinosaurs in this motherf*cking theme park!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking kids failing their motherf*cking classes!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking Sith Lords on this motherf*cking planet!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking bones in my motherf*cking body!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking "whats" in your motherf*cking answers!"

March Madness No Fun and Games for State Mental Institutions

Although “March Madness” is a fun and exciting time of year for college sports fans and gambling enthusiasts alike, it is the most dreaded time of year for the numerous mental institution employees in Massachusetts. “March is absolutely the worst time to work here,” said Maria Williams, who works at the Massachusetts Mental Health Center. “I have to deal with over 30 prank calls a day, and it is very difficult to remain civil with people who joke about something that is in fact very serious.” Williams said that the prank calls include people saying things like “I always go a little mad this time of year, can I check in for the month?”, “How busy do you guys usually get in March?”, and the inevitable “Yes hi, can I speak to a Cray Person, middle initial Z?”

The agony extends beyond the nuthouse for many of these employees, as friends and family ruthlessly make pun after pun on the word “mad”. “It’s the same s***, year after year,” lamented Williams, lighting a cigarette. “I don’t know how much more I can take.” Williams said that even her husband of 10 years, who knows she can’t stand this time of year, also cannot resist making jokes to her. “It’s just too much fun,” said a smirking Brian Williams, Maria’s husband. “Besides, she’s so cute when she’s mad.”

Williams and a few of her coworkers appealed to the NCAA to change “March Madness” to a different term to avoid their suffering, but their efforts were to no avail. Williams knew that she had only a small chance of succeeding in getting the NCAA to change the name, and upon realizing that the best alternative they could offer was the laughably inadequate “March Merriment”, she almost gave up hope entirely. “We had to try, we just had to try to end this,” said a melancholy Williams. “I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that my life is going to miserable one month out of the year.” I foolishly asked at the end of the interview whether Williams thought her suffering should be compensated with a bump to the next income bracket, at which point she lunged out of her chair and attempted to strangle the life out of me. I ended up OK though, and I hear Mrs. Williams is doing fine as a resident in the Massachusetts Mental Health Center.