Construction on Gasson Hall Not Enough, Say University Officials

With construction on Gasson Hall due to end sometime during the fall semester of next year, University officials had to scramble in order to make sure new projects would be under way by the time of its completion. Finally able to release a 10-year Master Plan for the future of BC, the officials could breathe a sigh of relief as construction was now guaranteed for the next several years. “Boston College just wouldn’t be the same without a construction site,” said BC President William Leahy, S.J. “It is part of our identity here in Chestnut Hill.”

The Master Plan calls for 754 billion dollars to be allocated the construction of new facilities and academic buildings on the current campus and the newly purchased Brighton Campus, allowing for much improvement and installation of new facilities. Still, Leahy says that they were hard pressed to dedicate more money to the project. “In today’s world, there’s only so much you can do with 754 billion dollars. It’s a shame we weren’t able to allot the funds necessary to squeeze in just one more building on the new campus.”

The best estimates of when this large construction program will be fully completed have the project finishing sometime between 2080 and 2100. Leahy says he plans to garner support for finishing the project as soon as possible by using the catchy motto “Construction-Free in ’83!” When asked about the project and the catchphrase, BC students seemed rather indifferent to both. “The project isn’t going to be finished in my lifetime, let alone my time here at BC, so why should I give a $#!%? And that catchphrase sounds like something my 5 year old sister would come up with,” replied notoriously pessimistic senior Michael Denison. But even the most enthusiastic lovers of Boston College didn’t seem to care much about the new construction plan either. “I mean I realize that universities have to grow and expand, but this plan seems a little overaggressive. Can’t Leahy give the construction a break for a few years?”

In contrast, University officials are elated with the plan. “When we don’t have any more money to decide how to spend, we really don’t have much to do around here,” said President Leahy as he threw a paper airplane into group of financial officers playing Minesweeper. “Since this new project will take almost a century to complete, it is safe to say that most of us have finished our real work here at Boston College.”

The Beer Satchel

A new trend among young women has been sweeping the U.S. by storm in recent months, redefining the fashion accessory market for both college girls and women trying to be college girls. This new hot item has been dubbed the "Beer Satchel", and despite early failures after the product’s launch, the Beer Satchel has become a Friday night essential for more and more girls throughout the nation.

“I can’t imagine my life without it”, said gleeful Kansas University student Brigid Smith during our interview. “The Beer Satchel has truly been a Godsend for me.”

The Beer Satchel provides young women that like to drink alcohol on the weekends with a constant supply of beer that is essential in maintaining that perfect buzz. Women who have purchased one say that while waiting for “some guy to get off their lazy ass and go for a beer run”, the Beer Satchel is perfect for tiding them over in those painfully sobering hours. Although the product seems to be just a purse stuffed with cans of beer, Mako Industries, the company that produces the Beer Satchel, insists that it is much more. “You have to understand, this is the first product like this the market has ever seen”, said CEO of Mako Industries Zach Perry. “The Beer Satchel is top quality and will revolutionize the way women spend their weekends.”

Although Perry boasts many satisfied customers, bar and restaurant owners are furious because women dining out are sneaking beers in undetected using the Beer Satchel, resulting in lost drink sales. “I a-swear, the next young a-girl who ba-rings that a-satchel in a-here is going to a-get il mio piede su il suo asino!” said an animated and thickly accented Marco Gallucci, owner of a local Olive Garden in the suburbs of Chicago. “I a-hate that stupid a-thing!” he added.

Bars are taking an even bigger hit as a result of the rising popularity of the Beer Satchel, and most owners now have banned the fashion accessory from their places of business. Restaurants are just beginning to prohibit the Beer Satchel, but most will likely disallow it by the year’s end. Despite increased restrictions, the status of the Beer Satchel as the “gotta-have-it” item of winter remains in place. Polls taken of women between the ages of 18 and 28 support the growing consensus that the Beer Satchel is here to stay.

“The Beer Satchel, is like, totally so awesome, it’s like it always knows when I want a beer, and gives one to me”, said Brigid Smith with a slightly lighter Satchel hanging from her shoulder. “I just wish that everyone could have one so that everyone could have beer whenever they wanted and have as much fun as I’m having every time I have my Beer Spatula out with me”.