The Beer Satchel

A new trend among young women has been sweeping the U.S. by storm in recent months, redefining the fashion accessory market for both college girls and women trying to be college girls. This new hot item has been dubbed the "Beer Satchel", and despite early failures after the product’s launch, the Beer Satchel has become a Friday night essential for more and more girls throughout the nation.

“I can’t imagine my life without it”, said gleeful Kansas University student Brigid Smith during our interview. “The Beer Satchel has truly been a Godsend for me.”

The Beer Satchel provides young women that like to drink alcohol on the weekends with a constant supply of beer that is essential in maintaining that perfect buzz. Women who have purchased one say that while waiting for “some guy to get off their lazy ass and go for a beer run”, the Beer Satchel is perfect for tiding them over in those painfully sobering hours. Although the product seems to be just a purse stuffed with cans of beer, Mako Industries, the company that produces the Beer Satchel, insists that it is much more. “You have to understand, this is the first product like this the market has ever seen”, said CEO of Mako Industries Zach Perry. “The Beer Satchel is top quality and will revolutionize the way women spend their weekends.”

Although Perry boasts many satisfied customers, bar and restaurant owners are furious because women dining out are sneaking beers in undetected using the Beer Satchel, resulting in lost drink sales. “I a-swear, the next young a-girl who ba-rings that a-satchel in a-here is going to a-get il mio piede su il suo asino!” said an animated and thickly accented Marco Gallucci, owner of a local Olive Garden in the suburbs of Chicago. “I a-hate that stupid a-thing!” he added.

Bars are taking an even bigger hit as a result of the rising popularity of the Beer Satchel, and most owners now have banned the fashion accessory from their places of business. Restaurants are just beginning to prohibit the Beer Satchel, but most will likely disallow it by the year’s end. Despite increased restrictions, the status of the Beer Satchel as the “gotta-have-it” item of winter remains in place. Polls taken of women between the ages of 18 and 28 support the growing consensus that the Beer Satchel is here to stay.

“The Beer Satchel, is like, totally so awesome, it’s like it always knows when I want a beer, and gives one to me”, said Brigid Smith with a slightly lighter Satchel hanging from her shoulder. “I just wish that everyone could have one so that everyone could have beer whenever they wanted and have as much fun as I’m having every time I have my Beer Spatula out with me”.