Student Government Shutdown

Setting: Classroom at St. James Elementary, Noon, Friday 4/8/11. Two 8^th graders sit at a table.

Student President Brock: I’m telling you, there is no room to cut any more spending in any of our programs.

Assembly Leader Johnny: That’s because you keep putting all of the student government’s money into things we should not even be doing anyway! Listen, the bottom line is that if we cannot come to an agreement on the budget today, we are going to have to shut down the student government, and we both know how bad that would be. The library, the game room; all of it would be closed.

Brock: I agree, we need to reach a consensus today, but I assure you, every cent I spend out of my proposed $1,000 budget is completely necessary.

Johnny: Oh really? Let’s see here. (Flips through a notebook) $50 for an anti-bully squad on the playground! How can you afford to spend that much? The playground isn’t even part of the student government’s jurisdiction!

Brock: The bullying that has been going on at the playground is a schoolwide disaster that we cannot turn a blind eye to. If we stop taking action against bullies anywhere in the school, the bullying problem will only get worse. I am confident that other departments will step up and take control of the situation, so it is only a temporary spending measure. And you have to admit, the no-cry zone instituted in the playground has been pretty effective so far.

Johnny: But that program along with your anti-bullying initiatives in the cafeteria and hallways cost $200 a year! That’s 20% of our vending machine revenues!

Brock: This student government has a responsibility to make all areas of the school safe, not just our classroom. The funding issue is why I propose that we raise vending machine prices by 5%.

Johnny: 5%?! That is just outrageous! You know that the students have had a tough year. With all of their parents moving to condos, I’ve seen 5 kids begging to shovel the same walk or mow the same walk! They can’t afford an increase in candy prices right now!

Brock: We could delay enacting those measures for awhile I suppose, perhaps until right after I get reelected. (Thinks) The student government could always borrow more money from the math department for the time being.

Johnny: No, we are already up to our necks in IOUs to the math department, and we cannot afford to borrow anymore! You know that the math department could ask for that money now and the student government would be completely screwed, right?

Brock: Theoretically, but they won’t. The department chair and I are really close, and he knows if he calls me on our IOUs I will stop ordering rulers and protractors from him so fast his head would spin.

Johnny: That may be, but there is always a limit to how much a “friend” will lend you, and I think he probably knows enough about you to really damage your reputation around the whole school. I’m telling you, the only way to fix this budget deficit is to cut spending.

Brock: (Rolling eyes) Alright Johnny, let’s hear it again.

Johnny: We already agreed to cut $300 dollars off of our already bloated budget, so I GUESS you could say we are making progress. Now, if you can just agree to cut student government funding to the Unplanned Relationships program, I think that we will be ready to pass this budget.

Brock: That program is way too important to cut. Hundreds of male students would be forced to start relationships against their will, and we cannot allow that to happen.

Johnny: That is their own responsibility. I understand how it is possible to kiss a girl in the heat of the moment, but the boys of the class need to take responsibility for their actions and become “official” with the girls they kiss. It is not the right or duty of the student government to intervene in those situations.

Brock: If we cut the Unplanned Relationships program, there are suddenly going to be relationships all over the place that the guys never wanted and the girls only thought they wanted. Taking away this program is going to ruin lives!

Johnny: Well it’s not like anyone is forcing them to kiss these girls in the first place. They know even during the kiss that their actions could lead to an unwanted relationship.

Brock: Yeah, I guess you’re right to some degree. How about we cut the money budgeted to the Unwanted Relationships program in half and call it a budget?

Johnny: That sounds like a plan. Let’s pass this thing. (They both sign a sheet of notebook paper and put it in an envelope.) Man, how long have we been working on this thing?

Brock: Since the end of 6^th grade, I think. You know, it’s funny, I saw my little brothers fighting the other day over how much money to spend on a new videogame, and I instantly thought of how similar it was to us arguing over the student government’s budget. Kind of sad, really.

Johnny: Yeah. We act like such children sometimes.

If There Were Diplomas For What Students Really Accomplish in College

Maino and T-Pain Are Very Good at Multiple Choice Tests

Gatorade: Championship G Series

If Disney Movies Were Darker

If Videogames Were Named After the Phrases Said Most While Playing Them

Increasing Parkour Popularity a Nightmare for BC Administration, Infirmary

An activity called “parkour” has enraptured a large portion of the Boston College student body in recent weeks, but its increasing popularity hasn’t been all fun and games for the administration at the school.

“I’ve seen some weird sport fads come and go in my years here, but none as strange or destructive as this parkour business” said William Leahy, president of Boston College. “These kids are knowingly hurting themselves and damaging Boston College property by practicing the sport. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?”

Parkour is actually not considered a sport because of its uncompetitive nature, but rather a physical discipline where participants run along a route containing various obstacles, and trying to negotiate these obstacles as efficiently as possible. The discipline is of French origin and is usually practiced in urban areas because of the high density of obstacles such as rails, benches, and buildings. “Parkour has really changed my life for the better,” said Brian Francese, a senior who began practicing parkour this year. “You get a few cuts, break a few limbs, and it’s a great way to stay in shape.”

The Boston College parkour group, named BCPK, was founded in 2008 by Greg and Matt Milano ’11, and now boasts over 150 regular members. They welcome members of all ranges of experience, including those with none at all, which has lead to some unfortunate incidents on campus this past week. Various benches on campus, fences in the area, and several students’ arms have all been snapped in half as a result of increased parkour activity, often because new members are practicing without proper training. The infirmary staff has been overwhelmed by the amount of parkour-related injuries (PRIs) they have had to deal with recently. A member of the infirmary staff had this to say: “We’ve had kids come in here with broken bones, missing teeth, severe scrapes, and they all say its from this thing called ‘parkour’. It’s great that kids are being active, but why this? We’d probably see less injuries if students just smoked pot by the reservoir, like they used to.”

Despite the injuries, many students are still hooked on parkour, and the group continues to recruit new members. As for the BC administration and infirmary staff, they hope that parkour will fade into obscurity once the risks of the activity are realized by students. “We at BC are just hoping that parkour is another passing fad here on campus,” said Leahy, scowling at a student wall jumping onto a ledge outside the O’Neill library. “But then again, it’s not as retarded as that quidditch match in the dust bowl.”