Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Seven Stages of Halloween
To prepare for Halloween this year, I decided to put together a rough guide of how people's Halloweens are spent at different times in their lives:
Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13
Stage 2: Treating: Ages 14-15
Stage 3: Egging: Ages 16-17
Stage 4: Costume Parties: Ages 18-25
Stage 5: Lame Parties: Ages 26-35
Around age 26, most notice themselves losing the will to get smashed anymore, and notice their friends mellowing out as well. The raucous parties of the late teenage years and early twenties fade into tame gatherings of a few friends, and in the later parts of the Lame Parties stage, their families. Costumes are no longer worn, and this stage marks the end of the dressing up era. Most get married in the Lame Parties stage, and some have kids of there own who will be entering the Halloween circle of life in just a few short years. People in this stage have to begin to buy candy, but they make the effort to answer the door and compliment the kids on their costumes, thinking about how they will be sending one of their own children before they know it.
Stage 6: Parenting: Ages 36-55
Within the parenting stage, you are now responsible for getting your kids dressed up and taking them around the neighborhood as they enter the Trick or Treating stage. A remarkable view into the Halloween circle of life, some parents have nostalgic experiences on the Halloween trek, chuckling a bit to themselves when they see a bowl full of candy and their kids only take one piece. Good work parents, you've raised them well.
Stage 7: Being Old: Ages 55-death
The grimmest of the Halloween stages, Being Old necessitates the dwindling love of the great holiday of Halloween. The kids are off at college or have their own jobs now, and kids are seemingly more and more of a bother as a person in this stage becomes more advanced in their years. No longer do they make the effort to come to the door and see the kids in their costumes, as getting of the couch and tearing themselves away from reruns of "I Love Lucy" has become quite a chore. Having forgotten the Halloweens of their youth, those in the Being Old stage often leave out bowls of candy for the neighborhood kids, making sure to write a note to only take one piece, assuring themselves that the instructions will be followed.
Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13
The most innocent of the Halloween stages, the Trick or Treating stage is an opportunity to dress up like your favorite power ranger, animal, or scary character for a whole day, then come home to a family pumpkin carving festival. After that, kids in the Trick or Treating stage spend the night walking around the neighborhood getting candy from the neighbors. It is a simple time...it is a better time.
Stage 2: Treating: Ages 14-15
Around age 14, the concept of dressing up becomes uncool for a few years, but the desire for candy remains high, launching most kids into a quasi trick or treating mode that I refer to simply as Treating. Walking around in a group wearing hoodies and carrying old pillowcases, children in the Treating stage lurch around the neighborhood, looking for houses foolish and lazy enough to leave a bowl full of candy outside. They quickly herd up the steps of these houses and plunder the entire bowl, dividing the spoils among their pillowcases. They then scurry back into the darkness like frightened rats, laughing at their trivial conquest.
Stage 3: Egging: Ages 16-17
With a lust for destruction developing within most teenagers in this stage, they turn to the age-old practice of egging various buildings in the area on Halloween night. Wandering the neighborhood, the Eggers launch the protein-rich ovals of doom at the windows of mean teachers, kids they hate, and others who have wronged them in their pasts. Some flocks of Eggers add the element of toilet paper into the mix, turning trees outside the victims' homes into ghastly displays of irreverence and teenage rebellion. Eggers may even hit a bowl on the way home for old time's sake, and might steal some candy as well.
Stage 4: Costume Parties: Ages 18-25
At last, dressing up in costumes becomes fun again! And just in time for the Costume Parties stage, an eight year stretch of glory, alcohol, and fun. The parties are packed, lively, and provide the perfect excuse not to wear normal clothes. Beer is consumed in mass quantities, and the rowdy atmosphere leads to an average of 1.3 injuries for every 10 people present, the highest injury-to-person ratio of all the Halloween stages. The innocence of youth fades as alcohol is slowly discovered and embraced, but it can be argued that the Costume Parties stage is the greatest of them all.
Stage 5: Lame Parties: Ages 26-35
Around age 26, most notice themselves losing the will to get smashed anymore, and notice their friends mellowing out as well. The raucous parties of the late teenage years and early twenties fade into tame gatherings of a few friends, and in the later parts of the Lame Parties stage, their families. Costumes are no longer worn, and this stage marks the end of the dressing up era. Most get married in the Lame Parties stage, and some have kids of there own who will be entering the Halloween circle of life in just a few short years. People in this stage have to begin to buy candy, but they make the effort to answer the door and compliment the kids on their costumes, thinking about how they will be sending one of their own children before they know it.
Stage 6: Parenting: Ages 36-55
Within the parenting stage, you are now responsible for getting your kids dressed up and taking them around the neighborhood as they enter the Trick or Treating stage. A remarkable view into the Halloween circle of life, some parents have nostalgic experiences on the Halloween trek, chuckling a bit to themselves when they see a bowl full of candy and their kids only take one piece. Good work parents, you've raised them well.
Stage 7: Being Old: Ages 55-death
The grimmest of the Halloween stages, Being Old necessitates the dwindling love of the great holiday of Halloween. The kids are off at college or have their own jobs now, and kids are seemingly more and more of a bother as a person in this stage becomes more advanced in their years. No longer do they make the effort to come to the door and see the kids in their costumes, as getting of the couch and tearing themselves away from reruns of "I Love Lucy" has become quite a chore. Having forgotten the Halloweens of their youth, those in the Being Old stage often leave out bowls of candy for the neighborhood kids, making sure to write a note to only take one piece, assuring themselves that the instructions will be followed.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
If MLB Games Were Decided By a Fight Between the Teams' Names: Cubs vs. Pirates
MLB Commissioner Buld Selig, in an effort to increase ticket sales and boost TV ratings, announced that for one day of the club's choosing, scheduled baseball games would be decided by a cage match between the names of the two opposing teams. The teams were allowed to interpret their names in any way they desired, as long as the umpires approved the choice of representation. The games would last until one of the two opponents was unable to continue or clearly beaten, as determined by the umpires. Here is the radio broadcast from the Cubs/Pirates game if you missed it.
vs.
Pat Hughes: Well here we are on a beautiful day at PNC Park, where a most unusual matchup between the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates is about to take place.
Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.
Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".
Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.
Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.
Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!
Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!
Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.
Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.
Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!
Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!
Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!
Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.
Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.
Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.
Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.
Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".
Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.
Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!
Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?
Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.
Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!
Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!
Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!
Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.
Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".
Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.
Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.
Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!
Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!
Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.
Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.
Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!
Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!
Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!
Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.
Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.
Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.
Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.
Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".
Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.
Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!
Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?
Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.
Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!
Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!
Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!
Friday, August 1, 2008
BC Dean Richard Keeley to go by “R. Keeley” for 2008-2009 School Year
CSOM Associate Dean Richard Keeley announced this week that he plans to go by the title “R. Keeley” for the upcoming school year in support for the acquitted R&B star R. Kelly. Keeley says that he is also encouraging students to join him in supporting the popular music icon. “It doesn’t have to be anything major,” said Keeley in an interview, “it could be something as simple as wearing a do-rag on every Wednesday or maybe putting on a few of R. Kelly’s hits on your speaker systems every weekend.”
Keeley claims to be a long-time fan of R. Kelly’s, citing that his single “I Believe I Can Fly” got him through some of the toughest times in his life. “I still get a little choked up if that song comes on my iPod Shuffle,” said Keeley. “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky,” Keeley quietly sung to himself with his eyes closed near the end of the interview.
Dean Keeley also said plans were in motion to have R. Kelly to perform at the school’s spring concert, and also to rename the Honors Library to the “Robert Kelly Honors Library”, where students can study peacefully to the soft sounds of the R&B singer’s early albums. “I’ve met R. Kelly on a couple of occasions, and he really is a great guy,” said Keeley. “The man can put on a great concert, and there’s no song I love more to work to than “Ignition”, so hopefully I can have the Honors Library jazzed up within the year.”
Keeley has met some opposition from his colleagues about the project, citing that it is distracting him from his work. “I can hear him just playing R. Kelly songs in his office for a good majority of the day, so I can’t imagine that he is getting much work done in there” said Keeley’s secretary. “And it is very distracting now that he gives his speeches to a hip-hop beat.”
Despite the criticism, Keeley says that he’s not going to “flake out on his homeboy” and push for the library project’s completion as soon as possible. “I hope students will join me in celebrating this great musician and man this upcoming school year by showing their support for him and the Honors Library project” Keeley said as he got up to leave. “Peace.”
Keeley claims to be a long-time fan of R. Kelly’s, citing that his single “I Believe I Can Fly” got him through some of the toughest times in his life. “I still get a little choked up if that song comes on my iPod Shuffle,” said Keeley. “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky,” Keeley quietly sung to himself with his eyes closed near the end of the interview.
Dean Keeley also said plans were in motion to have R. Kelly to perform at the school’s spring concert, and also to rename the Honors Library to the “Robert Kelly Honors Library”, where students can study peacefully to the soft sounds of the R&B singer’s early albums. “I’ve met R. Kelly on a couple of occasions, and he really is a great guy,” said Keeley. “The man can put on a great concert, and there’s no song I love more to work to than “Ignition”, so hopefully I can have the Honors Library jazzed up within the year.”
Keeley has met some opposition from his colleagues about the project, citing that it is distracting him from his work. “I can hear him just playing R. Kelly songs in his office for a good majority of the day, so I can’t imagine that he is getting much work done in there” said Keeley’s secretary. “And it is very distracting now that he gives his speeches to a hip-hop beat.”
Despite the criticism, Keeley says that he’s not going to “flake out on his homeboy” and push for the library project’s completion as soon as possible. “I hope students will join me in celebrating this great musician and man this upcoming school year by showing their support for him and the Honors Library project” Keeley said as he got up to leave. “Peace.”
Monday, July 28, 2008
The First Annual American Beer Conference
Budweiser: Alright, it seems that most of us are here, so lets get started. I'm glad all of you could make it out tonight to this American Beer Conference, and I think that by sharing ideas and strategies with each other can benefit all of our respective businesses. Our first order of business is to discuss sales patterns and demographic trends within... Icehouse: (bursts through the door and interrupts, clearly drunk) Heeeeeeey bitches! What's goin' on?
Budweiser: Icehouse, please just sit down, I wish you would try harder to be on time to these kinds of things.
Icehouse: What are you talkin' about, Bud man? I was right on time for your barbeque last week!
Keystone Light: Budweiser! You had a barbeque last week and didn't invite me?
Miller Lite: That's because nobody likes you, Keystone.
MGD: Lite! I let you tag along to this thing, so you better mind your manners!
Miller Lite: Sorry, dad.
Keystone Light: Oh look, Lite is sucking up to his dad again, what a surprise!
Miller Lite: Shut your mouth, rat piss!
Keystone Light: I think someone's a little upset that they will never be as full-bodied or tasteful as their father!
Miller Lite: At least my father's still around!
Budweiser: GENTLEMEN! Please, stop fighting. We are all here to work together, not argue amongst ourselves. Now onto the...what's that noise?
MGD: I don't know, but brrrrrrr, it just got really cold in here.
(The sound of a train whistle gets louder and louder. Suddenly the Coors Silver Bullet train blasts through the wall of the convention center and Coors hops off.)
Coors: Howdy! How y'all doin' tonight?
Budweiser: COORS! For the last time, you cannot ride that train to the exact spot you want to go all the time! The train station is only 3 blocks away for God's sake!
Coors: Sorry about that Bud, I sensed that some people in here were hot and parched, so I thought it'd be best to ride the bullet on through.
Budweiser: Well if we were outdoors it'd be one thing, but we are renting space from a hotel, and I'm going to be responsible for what looks to be a couple thousand dollars worth of damages!
Icehouse: (under his breath) I'm sure that'll really hurt, Mr. 16 billion dollars in sales.
Coors: That's my bad Bud; I'll help you out with those expenses.
Coors: That's my bad Bud; I'll help you out with those expenses.
Keystone Light: Ha! What are you gonna do, rent out the spare bedroom in your trailer?
Coors: Oh for cryin' out loud, who invited Keystone?
Coors: Oh for cryin' out loud, who invited Keystone?
Miller Lite: I bet he was browsing events on Facebook and invited himself!
Keystone Light: Shut your tab, Lite! Hey Coors, why don't you go watch some NASCAR, white trash!
Budweiser: God you're an asshole Keystone.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Things That Would Have Terrible Opposites
I was painfully sipping a "Milwaukee's Best" one night when I thought, "If this is Milwaukee's Best, what would "Milwaukee's Worst" be like?" As the normal thought process of a drinking night resumed, I found that many of the things I thought of during the course of the night would have awful opposites. Here are the ones I remember:
Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.
Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.
Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.
Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.
Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"
(sleep)
The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter
Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.
Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.
Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.
Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.
Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"(sleep)
The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
If ER Was a Sitcom
Since the popular television series "ER" is going into its 15th season, odds are the writers are running out of dramatic material to put on the show. To keep the audience interested for one more season, they may need to change their routine and give the drama a comedic twist.
(Three doctors and a nurse wheel in a patient and put him on the operating table.)
Nurse Samantha Taggart: Doctor, we need to act fast! The patient is Timothy Benson, and he apparently was shot in the head with a nailgun by a construction worker, who claims Benson was trying to attack him with a shovel while naked on several occasions. The thing is, he survived, but the nail is still in his head!
Dr. Tony Gates: Sounds like he may have a few screws loose in there as well! (laughtrack)
Dr. Abby Lockhart: (looking at a monitor) It appears the nail pierced the right hemisphere of his brain and entered the brain stem. The patient has lost all motor function in the left side of his body.
Dr. Archie Morris: That's odd, he doesn't look all right to me! (laughtrack)
(The patient wakes up.)
Timothy Benson: Where am I? What's going on?
Taggart: This is incredible! Dr. Gates, the patient is conscious!
Gates: Young man, you are in a hospital. It looks like we are going to have to perform a partial brain transplant if you are to live. Based on the report, though, we may want to just replace the whole thing! (laughtrack)
Benson: I don't want to live! Just let me die!
Morris: We cannot do that, we have a duty to preserve human life, no matter how much the world would be better off without you. (laughtrack) Nurse, prepare the transplant and the blood transfusion.
Taggart: What's his blood type?
Morris: (nudging Gates in the side) Something tells me it's B-negative! (laughtrack)Taggart: Transfusion ready! Abby, apply the anesthetic!
Lockhart: Alright Timothy, just breathe in, pretend you are huffing some of that stuff you did earlier. (laughtrack)
Benson: I don't wan...I don't...I...
Gates: Jeez, he put up less of a fight against being knocked out than my ex-wife! (The cast shares a laugh, also laughtrack.)
Taggart: Doctor, everything is prepared for the surgery. Make the incision when you are ready, but remember, it must be very precise.
Morris: Ah, I've done this procedure a million times; I guess you could call it a no-brainer! (laughtrack)
Lockhart: The transplant is ready, Dr. Gates.
Gates: Alright everyone, stand back. (He successfully performs the surgery.)
Taggart: Excellent work Dr. Gates! I wish I had a pair of fingers like that around the house! (Camera zooms in on her looking at a picture of her husband on the desk and sighing. Laughtrack)
(The patient wakes up.)
Benson: Wow, I feel great! I guess I could give life another go!
Gates: That's the right attitude. Looks like we really...changed your mind! (laughtrack)
Benson: (looking at the camera and shrugging) I guess laughter really is the best medicine!(The camera fades out as the cast has a good laugh.)
(Three doctors and a nurse wheel in a patient and put him on the operating table.)
Nurse Samantha Taggart: Doctor, we need to act fast! The patient is Timothy Benson, and he apparently was shot in the head with a nailgun by a construction worker, who claims Benson was trying to attack him with a shovel while naked on several occasions. The thing is, he survived, but the nail is still in his head!
Dr. Tony Gates: Sounds like he may have a few screws loose in there as well! (laughtrack)
Dr. Abby Lockhart: (looking at a monitor) It appears the nail pierced the right hemisphere of his brain and entered the brain stem. The patient has lost all motor function in the left side of his body.
Dr. Archie Morris: That's odd, he doesn't look all right to me! (laughtrack)
(The patient wakes up.)
Timothy Benson: Where am I? What's going on?
Taggart: This is incredible! Dr. Gates, the patient is conscious!
Gates: Young man, you are in a hospital. It looks like we are going to have to perform a partial brain transplant if you are to live. Based on the report, though, we may want to just replace the whole thing! (laughtrack)
Benson: I don't want to live! Just let me die!
Morris: We cannot do that, we have a duty to preserve human life, no matter how much the world would be better off without you. (laughtrack) Nurse, prepare the transplant and the blood transfusion.
Taggart: What's his blood type?
Morris: (nudging Gates in the side) Something tells me it's B-negative! (laughtrack)Taggart: Transfusion ready! Abby, apply the anesthetic!
Lockhart: Alright Timothy, just breathe in, pretend you are huffing some of that stuff you did earlier. (laughtrack)
Benson: I don't wan...I don't...I...
Gates: Jeez, he put up less of a fight against being knocked out than my ex-wife! (The cast shares a laugh, also laughtrack.)
Taggart: Doctor, everything is prepared for the surgery. Make the incision when you are ready, but remember, it must be very precise.
Morris: Ah, I've done this procedure a million times; I guess you could call it a no-brainer! (laughtrack)
Lockhart: The transplant is ready, Dr. Gates.
Gates: Alright everyone, stand back. (He successfully performs the surgery.)
Taggart: Excellent work Dr. Gates! I wish I had a pair of fingers like that around the house! (Camera zooms in on her looking at a picture of her husband on the desk and sighing. Laughtrack)
(The patient wakes up.)
Benson: Wow, I feel great! I guess I could give life another go!
Gates: That's the right attitude. Looks like we really...changed your mind! (laughtrack)
Benson: (looking at the camera and shrugging) I guess laughter really is the best medicine!(The camera fades out as the cast has a good laugh.)
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