Appropriate Post-New Year Cards

There are some situations that arise on New Year's Eve that are difficult to address, but now you can handle these issues through the age old practice of mailing cards.

Cards are in sets of 2, showing front and inside:

Three Alternative Time Wasters for Christmas Break

I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.

 

(Note: All are tried and true.)

Start a political argument with the relative that holds the strongest beliefs: Every family has that one uncle/aunt that is absolutely entrenched in his/her beliefs, and argues blindly for his/her points without even considering opposing arguments. This is the relative that will change you from being bored into fearing for your life, which is a good way to pass the time. Start out with a small little poke to get them started and then just build their anger from there. Say for example Uncle Randy is in town from Detroit. Just make a little comment such as "it's a shame the government decided to bailout those doomed U.S. automakers" and watch the fun begin. Uncle Randy will then launch into a tirade about how the automakers are a pillar of the economy and their collapse could launch us into a second Great Depression, and you get hours of entertainment from telling someone exactly what they don't want to hear.

Learn how to moonwalk: Ever since I saw the "How to Moonwalk" video on CollegeHumor, I was convinced that someone even as uncoordinated and terrible at dancing as me could learn how to moonwalk. After 5 minutes of what can only be described as abject failure, I decided to put moonwalking in the long-term to-do file. Well, I was looking through that file a few days ago and decided to give it another try, and what do you know I learned how to moonwalk flawlessly with just a few hours of practice. It will now serve as an invaluable tool for me to use at unexpected on-the-spot dancing situations that arise at various parties, weddings, and certain liberal funerals. It also provided the added benefit of giving me the opportunity to plan how to break into my old high school's prom to show it off, taking up a couple more of the long Christmas Break hours. Long story short, learn how to moonwalk.

Count the Christmas ornaments: When no one is around, count the number of Christmas ornaments on the Christmas tree. When people gather in the room on Christmas and finish up opening presents, suggest a game where people get to guess how many ornaments are on the Christmas tree, offering some sort of incentive or prize for the winner, such as each of the kids puts in some candy and the winner gets to take it all. When you win, your prize will obviously be contested, but tell your younger cousins that you have magical counting powers and can count anything in 5 seconds. You should count other obvious things in the room that they might quiz you on beforehand, and thus when they challenge you, you can amaze them and also justify your claim to the prize.

If Ryanair's Safety Cards Had Captions

In case you aren't familiar with Ryanair, they are the world's cheapest airline, and flying on a cramped, non-reclining seat as I did this morning will make you realize why. They cut costs in every aspect of their business, including their safety "cards" (which are actually just printed on the seat back in front of you), which look like they could have been drawn by a mentally challenged kindergartner. Bored while waiting for my flight to take off, I thought of captions that could accompany the ridiculous safety card drawings.

Note: Quality is terrible but it was the best I could find, and this article may be more appropriate for the European crowd (collegehumour.com?), but its the best I've got.

Emergency Oxygen:

1. Become hypnotized by the swinging oxygen mask. 2. Catch it as it launches towards you. 3. Once you have secured it properly, turn it around so that the mask is on the back of your head.

Life Vests:

1. Push the falling ceiling tile back into place, and a life vest will fall out. 2. Open the life vest packaging with a boomerang-like hand motion. 3. Spin around in a circle as you put on your life jacket. 4. Buckle your life vest, keeping your eyes down on your own work. 5. Either pull down on the red tab... 6. Or sing into the built-in microphone to keep morale high.

Emergency Landing:

In the event of an emergency landing: 1. Leave behind your teeth, glasses, shoes, earrings, and women. 2. Annoy the person in front of you by shaking their seat. 3. Do vertical sit-ups. 4. If clouds begin to engulf the plane, crawl on your hands and knees to the nearest exit, with all 125 other passengers, in a herd-like group.

Exit A: Doors

1. Turn the crank counterclockwise. 2. A white piece of the floor will fly at you. Make sure you dodge it, then continue to turn the crank. 3. Perform the Charleston as you go down the slide, and then run away. (Proper Charleston technique demonstrated in top right inset.)

Exit B: Overwings

1. If you can telepathically communicate with the fire, you cannot leave. 2. Have a black man pull down the red bar located below the exit sign. 3. Another white piece will fly at you. Duck as indicated by the red arrow. 4. Push the door open. 5. Have adult white males exit the sinking/burning plane first.

A Guide To Whether Or Not You Should Go To Class

It's Friday morning at 8:45, and you have to make a game-time decision whether or not to roll out of bed and lurch into your 9:00am class or stay in the warmth of your bed for a few more hours. Luckily, you now have this handy guide to help you decide if the benefits of going to class outweigh the costs. Simply add up the points attributed and find your answer!

Section 1: You have a test/quiz in class today and:

a) You have studied for it: 17 points

b) You glanced over the material briefly: 15 points

c) Oh f***! *Put on bullshitting hat*: 11 points

d) Oh wait! That test is next week! Yes!: -2 points

Section 2: You have a paper due and:

a) You spent a lot of time on it and got it done: 17 points

b) If you get up now, you can finish it up and be just a little late for class: 15 points

c) Oh f***! *Put on excuse-generating sweater*: 11 points

d) Meh, I'll do it tonight, the late penalty is only half of a letter grade: -2 points

Section 3: The professor takes attendance that counts for part of your grade and:

a) You have never skipped this class before: -2 points

b) You have skipped class once or twice: 3 points

c) You have skipped class 3 or more times: 5 points

d) The professor does not take attendance: -4 points

Section 4: The temperature in your room:

a) Could comfortably harbor a polar bear: -6 points

b) Is definitely less than 65 degrees, but not too cold: -2 points

c) Doesn't seem terrible: 4 points

d) Reminds you of the joy of living with a heater, you lucky bastard: 6 points

Section 5: There is a girl in your bed that you just met last night that you vaguely remember fooling around with, and:

a) She is a 4 or below: 5 points

b) She is a 5 or above: 2 points

c) You were hammered last night, and your judgement cannot be trusted: 2 points onto a) or b)

d) There is no one but you in your bed: -3 points

Section 6: You are feeling:

a) At least somewhat rested: 5 points

b) Tired/hungover: -3 points

c) Really f***ing tired/ hung over: -5 points

d) Still drunk and/or unsure where you are: -7 points

Section 7: In this class you:

a) Take notes that you will need later on: 6 points

b) Drift in and out of class, switching back and forth between taking notes and doodling: 4 points

c) Usually fall asleep for the majority of class: -4 points

d) ...What class do I have on Thursday again?: -6 points

Got your score? Use this chart to determine your course of action:

Rejected Crayola Crayon Colors

The Seven Stages of Halloween

To prepare for Halloween this year, I decided to put together a rough guide of how people's Halloweens are spent at different times in their lives:

Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13

The most innocent of the Halloween stages, the Trick or Treating stage is an opportunity to dress up like your favorite power ranger, animal, or scary character for a whole day, then come home to a family pumpkin carving festival. After that, kids in the Trick or Treating stage spend the night walking around the neighborhood getting candy from the neighbors. It is a simple time...it is a better time.

Stage 2: Treating: Ages 14-15

Around age 14, the concept of dressing up becomes uncool for a few years, but the desire for candy remains high, launching most kids into a quasi trick or treating mode that I refer to simply as Treating. Walking around in a group wearing hoodies and carrying old pillowcases, children in the Treating stage lurch around the neighborhood, looking for houses foolish and lazy enough to leave a bowl full of candy outside. They quickly herd up the steps of these houses and plunder the entire bowl, dividing the spoils among their pillowcases. They then scurry back into the darkness like frightened rats, laughing at their trivial conquest.

Stage 3: Egging: Ages 16-17

With a lust for destruction developing within most teenagers in this stage, they turn to the age-old practice of egging various buildings in the area on Halloween night. Wandering the neighborhood, the Eggers launch the protein-rich ovals of doom at the windows of mean teachers, kids they hate, and others who have wronged them in their pasts. Some flocks of Eggers add the element of toilet paper into the mix, turning trees outside the victims' homes into ghastly displays of irreverence and teenage rebellion. Eggers may even hit a bowl on the way home for old time's sake, and might steal some candy as well.

Stage 4: Costume Parties: Ages 18-25

At last, dressing up in costumes becomes fun again! And just in time for the Costume Parties stage, an eight year stretch of glory, alcohol, and fun. The parties are packed, lively, and provide the perfect excuse not to wear normal clothes. Beer is consumed in mass quantities, and the rowdy atmosphere leads to an average of 1.3 injuries for every 10 people present, the highest injury-to-person ratio of all the Halloween stages. The innocence of youth fades as alcohol is slowly discovered and embraced, but it can be argued that the Costume Parties stage is the greatest of them all.

Stage 5: Lame Parties: Ages 26-35

Around age 26, most notice themselves losing the will to get smashed anymore, and notice their friends mellowing out as well. The raucous parties of the late teenage years and early twenties fade into tame gatherings of a few friends, and in the later parts of the Lame Parties stage, their families. Costumes are no longer worn, and this stage marks the end of the dressing up era. Most get married in the Lame Parties stage, and some have kids of there own who will be entering the Halloween circle of life in just a few short years. People in this stage have to begin to buy candy, but they make the effort to answer the door and compliment the kids on their costumes, thinking about how they will be sending one of their own children before they know it.

Stage 6: Parenting: Ages 36-55

Within the parenting stage, you are now responsible for getting your kids dressed up and taking them around the neighborhood as they enter the Trick or Treating stage. A remarkable view into the Halloween circle of life, some parents have nostalgic experiences on the Halloween trek, chuckling a bit to themselves when they see a bowl full of candy and their kids only take one piece. Good work parents, you've raised them well.

Stage 7: Being Old: Ages 55-death

The grimmest of the Halloween stages, Being Old necessitates the dwindling love of the great holiday of Halloween. The kids are off at college or have their own jobs now, and kids are seemingly more and more of a bother as a person in this stage becomes more advanced in their years. No longer do they make the effort to come to the door and see the kids in their costumes, as getting of the couch and tearing themselves away from reruns of "I Love Lucy" has become quite a chore. Having forgotten the Halloweens of their youth, those in the Being Old stage often leave out bowls of candy for the neighborhood kids, making sure to write a note to only take one piece, assuring themselves that the instructions will be followed.

If MLB Games Were Decided By a Fight Between the Teams' Names: Cubs vs. Pirates

MLB Commissioner Buld Selig, in an effort to increase ticket sales and boost TV ratings, announced that for one day of the club's choosing, scheduled baseball games would be decided by a cage match between the names of the two opposing teams. The teams were allowed to interpret their names in any way they desired, as long as the umpires approved the choice of representation. The games would last until one of the two opponents was unable to continue or clearly beaten, as determined by the umpires. Here is the radio broadcast from the Cubs/Pirates game if you missed it.

vs.

Pat Hughes: Well here we are on a beautiful day at PNC Park, where a most unusual matchup between the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates is about to take place.

Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.

Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.

Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.
Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!

Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!

Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.

Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.

Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!

Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!

Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!

Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.
Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.

Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.

Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.

Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".

Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.

Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!

Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?

Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.

Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!

Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!

Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!