How Guys Spend Their Time

A series of pie charts follows that shows how guys spend their time (when they are not sleeping) at different stages of their lives:

Childhood Nickelodeon: Unanswered Questions

As the era of 90s Nickelodeon shows has passed, there are still many questions I have about the various shows during that time:


Did the kid that won the sweet glowing green GUTS trophy get to keep it?

Who was the voice of Olmec and how can I get in touch with him?

What did the temple guards do with the first kid in the 2 minute disparity between catching him/her and their partner being caught or finishing?

Lori-Beth Denberg. Where is she? Heart attack?

How did Face’s professional relationship with Nickelodeon come to an end?

Did they tell the kids to mess up while building the silver monkey statue every fucking time to increase suspense and ratings?

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Kel. Where is he? Orange soda overdose?

Have you considered bringing back Wild and Crazy Kids with the same exact kids, but now that they’re all about college age have them participate in massive drinking games in teams rather than water balloon fights and the like?

What did Dr. Claw of Inspector Gadget look like?

How did CatDog go to the bathroom?

Is there any way you could get me a date with Summer Sanders?

The "FUCK!" Volume Scale

Throughout the course of our lives, certain events cause us to just yell "FUCK!" involuntarily. This scale is designed to give you an idea of how loud you scream "FUCK!" for each event.


40 decibels (Refrigerator Humming): Failing a test you studied 3 hours for.

55 decibels (Normal Talking Voice): Getting a piece of dust in your eye when no one is around.

70 decibels (Hair Dryer): Having absolutely no will to do homework and logging on to CollegeHumor only to find there are no new updates.

80 decibels (Subway): Getting killed in Halo 3 by a n00b.

90 decibels (Lawnmower): Having your team lose a game on a last second 3 pointer by the other team.

100 decibels (Snowmobile): Missing the last note of a perfected Guitar Hero song.

110 decibels (Jackhammer): Hearing stories of what you did while you were blacked out last night.

120 decibels (Chainsaw): Waking up from a sex dream with a hot girl and ensuing inability to fall back asleep.

140 decibels (Shotgun Firing): Looking in the mirror for the first time after a shaming.

215 decibels (Space Shuttle Launch): Waking up outside having no recollection of how you got there or what happened the night before.

248 decibels (Hiroshima A-Bomb) Your girlfriend telling you she is pregnant.

The Internet, Honestly

What It Says

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What It Means

Skits You Can Expect From Dane Cook Within the Year

I gotta tell you people out there about something i just need to, you know, just put out there so like BAGOW! its out there so that you all know what im thinkin about (laughs). I love head. (wild cheers from audience) Ha! Yeah the guys out there know what I'm talking about! Head is just so goddamn good its like urrrrrr boing boing boing gasplash and its all over but its just the best thing ever (laughs). The only problem with head is that you ladies (glares fake angrily at the crowd, gets laughs) are under the impression that they are supposed to last 10 minutes...TOPS. I came up with a theory the other day that i think explains why this is, and how we can fix this little problem...you guys wanna hear it? (cheering and clapping erupt) Alright then guys come with me on this adventure, this journey, this QUEST (laughs) for the extended blow job. So my theory is that the terminology of the act, AKA blow job (a few laughs) is misleading to women. I mean you think about it, you break it down like noo noo noo noo noo noo (laughs) .......... thats the sound of something being broken down. (uncontrollable laughter) So anyway you break it down and you got blow on one side, right, and you got job on the other. First of all, where the fuck did blow come from? I don't want a fucking raspberry on my dick (laughs) pbbsbsbbtbtbbt hahahahha stop it that tickles. (clapping and cheering from audience). And in the second part you have job. A job is something you do for I dunno fuckin 4 or 5 years or somethin, which i translate to 4 to 5 minutes of blow job time. (gets laughs just because of the way he says fuckin) I say fuck blow jobs man, lets get something better going for us bros in here (guys cheer). Alright so check this out i have created the new best thing EVER: The Suck Career! (crowd is on their feet laughing and cheering). Alright so lets take a look at what we have here now: we got suck, alright thats halfway there pretty self-explanatory (laughs) and then we got the career. That makes it clear to you LADIES (laughs) that your not employed for a few minutes at Suck-E-Cheese but that you are in that shit for the long haul. (Wild cheers and applause from audience as the crowd cannot contain their laughter). He he he! BAGOW! (more laughs) ....... My dicks gonna fuckin have you on tenure hahaHA! (laughs as the joke ends)

to be continued...