Monday, November 17, 2008

If Ryanair's Safety Cards Had Captions

In case you aren't familiar with Ryanair, they are the world's cheapest airline, and flying on a cramped, non-reclining seat as I did this morning will make you realize why. They cut costs in every aspect of their business, including their safety "cards" (which are actually just printed on the seat back in front of you), which look like they could have been drawn by a mentally challenged kindergartner. Bored while waiting for my flight to take off, I thought of captions that could accompany the ridiculous safety card drawings.

Note: Quality is terrible but it was the best I could find, and this article may be more appropriate for the European crowd (, but its the best I've got.

Emergency Oxygen:
1. Become hypnotized by the swinging oxygen mask. 2. Catch it as it launches towards you. 3. Once you have secured it properly, turn it around so that the mask is on the back of your head.

Life Vests:
1. Push the falling ceiling tile back into place, and a life vest will fall out. 2. Open the life vest packaging with a boomerang-like hand motion. 3. Spin around in a circle as you put on your life jacket. 4. Buckle your life vest, keeping your eyes down on your own work. 5. Either pull down on the red tab... 6. Or sing into the built-in microphone to keep morale high.

Emergency Landing:
In the event of an emergency landing: 1. Leave behind your teeth, glasses, shoes, earrings, and women. 2. Annoy the person in front of you by shaking their seat. 3. Do vertical sit-ups. 4. If clouds begin to engulf the plane, crawl on your hands and knees to the nearest exit, with all 125 other passengers, in a herd-like group.

Exit A: Doors
1. Turn the crank counterclockwise. 2. A white piece of the floor will fly at you. Make sure you dodge it, then continue to turn the crank. 3. Perform the Charleston as you go down the slide, and then run away. (Proper Charleston technique demonstrated in top right inset.)

Exit B: Overwings
1. If you can telepathically communicate with the fire, you cannot leave. 2. Have a black man pull down the red bar located below the exit sign. 3. Another white piece will fly at you. Duck as indicated by the red arrow. 4. Push the door open. 5. Have adult white males exit the sinking/burning plane first.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Guide To Whether Or Not You Should Go To Class

It's Friday morning at 8:45, and you have to make a game-time decision whether or not to roll out of bed and lurch into your 9:00am class or stay in the warmth of your bed for a few more hours. Luckily, you now have this handy guide to help you decide if the benefits of going to class outweigh the costs. Simply add up the points attributed and find your answer!

Section 1: You have a test/quiz in class today and:

a) You have studied for it: 17 points
b) You glanced over the material briefly: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on bullshitting hat*: 11 points
d) Oh wait! That test is next week! Yes!: -2 points

Section 2: You have a paper due and:

a) You spent a lot of time on it and got it done: 17 points
b) If you get up now, you can finish it up and be just a little late for class: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on excuse-generating sweater*: 11 points
d) Meh, I'll do it tonight, the late penalty is only half of a letter grade: -2 points

Section 3: The professor takes attendance that counts for part of your grade and:

a) You have never skipped this class before: -2 points
b) You have skipped class once or twice: 3 points
c) You have skipped class 3 or more times: 5 points
d) The professor does not take attendance: -4 points

Section 4: The temperature in your room:

a) Could comfortably harbor a polar bear: -6 points
b) Is definitely less than 65 degrees, but not too cold: -2 points
c) Doesn't seem terrible: 4 points
d) Reminds you of the joy of living with a heater, you lucky bastard: 6 points

Section 5: There is a girl in your bed that you just met last night that you vaguely remember fooling around with, and:

a) She is a 4 or below: 5 points
b) She is a 5 or above: 2 points
c) You were hammered last night, and your judgement cannot be trusted: 2 points onto a) or b)
d) There is no one but you in your bed: -3 points

Section 6: You are feeling:

a) At least somewhat rested: 5 points
b) Tired/hungover: -3 points
c) Really f***ing tired/ hung over: -5 points
d) Still drunk and/or unsure where you are: -7 points

Section 7: In this class you:

a) Take notes that you will need later on: 6 points
b) Drift in and out of class, switching back and forth between taking notes and doodling: 4 points
c) Usually fall asleep for the majority of class: -4 points
d) ...What class do I have on Thursday again?: -6 points

Got your score? Use this chart to determine your course of action: